I went to London and got myself a turtleneck the other day.
And a life-time ban from Sea Life.

I attempted to sabotage the World Fencing Championship recently, but I was foiled.

This foreign bloke came to my door the other day, he said "Please, let me stay for while! I cook for you! I come in peace!"
So we are allowing him to stay for a bit. Fantastic cook, although his peas do taste a little odd..

I've been trying to meet women recently, and fortunately enough I met the woman of my dreams. She was smart, funny, good looking, and she even admitted she was bi.
It's just a shame she left out the word 'polar'.

I told my mate to try online dating,
Him and his date were killed by a train.

What's the big deal?
Every weekend for me is an ESPN-free weekend.

I bought some pig swill off a farmer on ebay that made all my swines ill.
Had to give him bad feedback.

I bought some pig swill off a farmer on ebay that made all my swines ill.
Had to give him bad feedback.

I walked into a physio shop and said, "Excuse me, do you sell anything for heel injuries? It's just that my wife is in terrible pain."
"Not us I'm afraid." replied the owner. "But there's a guy down the road who sells just the stuff: Heel protector."
I said, "I think I can protect her myself, what's the stuff called?"

I got arrested this morning at my veterinary surgery for wearing a black lab coat.

"I cant believe Westlife have split up, if I hear anything to do with them from now on Im just gonna get upset" sobbed the wife.
"Oh Mandy" I said.

Why does a Frenchman only have one egg for breakfast?
I give up.

A family fancied ordering some pizza, then their neighbour saw them and ordered one, then their neighbour and so on and so forth.
It was the domino effect.

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Chicken doubt.

I remember when I got caught cheating at school.
My wife wasn't very pleased and neither were the police.

I went to look at a house for sale.
It had the numbers 1 to 9 on the door and there was a "Stop" sign just near the "Play" area.
I paused and thought "It seems a bit remote."

I started my new job as a football manager and the first thing I brought was a new defender...
My old Land Rover was starting to look a bit shabby.

The TUC want better pensions for teachers.
I think they're crackers.

My mum hit me last night.
It's great having her as a Black Jack dealer.

Pregnancy is one of the hardest things a woman can go through.
Surely a brick wall would be worse.

As I sat and watched "I'm a celebrity get me out of here" I wondered what a Bushtucker trial was.
Then Fatima lifted up her arms.

I bought a smart car today.
It has an IQ of 190.

In the Dead Language department, the one most frowned upon to study is Comic Sanskrit.

I got a letter telling me that I had to keep the kids home from school today for all day striking action.
Im doing my best but its only 11pm and the back of my hand is already killing me!

5 people in my local community were killed last week, they were all either deaf, dumb, or blind.
These are senseless killings.