I fell out with my family over who got to put the final piece on our newly built mud hut earlier.
That was the last straw.

I split up with my wife today after I caught her using my drinking utensils.
It was the final straw.

My lactose intolerant son died yesterday,
but i dont cry over spilt milk

Running up to the 2012 paralympics; as creative co-oridinator, it's my job to create new events for the paralympics.
I thought of wheelchair pole vault but it didn't really take off.

I told my mate, "I want to murder a psychic but I'm not sure how to do it and not get caught"
He said, "Don't even think about it"

I arranged to meet some friends at the summit of Ben Nevis but I got there two hours before anyone else. Obviously, I peaked too soon.

I once knew a cat called Lenin.
It got diarrhea so we renamed it Trotsky...

Went to a fancy dress party as a replacement tyre.
Felt like a spare part all night.

"Waiter, are you a betting man?"
"No, sir," says the waiter.
"Then you won't be needing a tip."

My girlfriend was a complete tramp before we started going out, constantly sleeping around.
The park, shop doorsteps, even a cardboard box if she could find one...'

My wife said she is leaving me because I can't stop talking about African countries.
To which I replied "Please Kenya take me back, I'm Ghana stop doing it. I don't want you Togo.

I saw a shooting star the other day...turns out its quite easy.
Just go to a rap concert and pull a white hoodie on.

My wife accused me of turning the smallest thing into a drama and making a meal out of everything.
She'll regret saying that. I'll make her eat her words.

Whats a drug users favourite type of video game?
Shoot em ups.

I bought a pair of speakers in a car boot sale for 1.50.
Sound

I was never very good at understanding long words....
WTF does abbreviation mean?

Kirstie Allsop was left with a damaged shoulder, wrist and finger after a nasty fall down the stairs.
Dislocation, dislocation, dislocation.

My wife loves sucking my privates.
I wish I never took her to the barracks now.

I've been locked in conversation with my wife for over an hour now.
She will do anything to find out how my day was.

I made a glue cake for the children's party today just so I could say the immortal words.
"OK kids, get stuck in"

I can't seem to be able to study the model of an atom.
It's just too Bohring.

I've just caught my daughter playing double dutch with a really long piece of spaghetti.
"Stop skipping meals!" I shouted.

My wife left me today because of my obsession with Africa, Kenya believe that? Ghana be a messy divorce, not sure where shes going Togo, but a guy named Chad is going to look after her so she Congo to his house as he has Benin a similar situation.

When I'm peckish I like to eat dental amalgam because it's filling.

I was just telling my mate that 19 Antarctic penguins have died after getting a mystery illness in Germany.
He said, "Flu?"
I said, "No, their wings are too small."