In his golden years, my granddad open doors for a lot of people.
He was a car valet.

The Spitfire, it maybe old but no Fokker can touch it.

My indicators are on the blink...

I had to stop being a designated driver.
Eventually it drove me to drink.

I had to stop being a designated driver.
Eventually it drove me to drink.

When I was growing up I was always told your measured on your success. Which is why I impersonate rulers

I have no privacy anymore since my sister started dating a dance teacher.
I hate it when they come waltzing in my room without knocking.

people need to learn when to use 'too' and 'to'
i've seen them used wrongly two many times one here!

The first of the evening's drinking contests with my mates, was to drink a pint of spirits in one.
That was challenge gin.

My friends obsession with his new courier job is getting out of hand.
When he told me he'd got a job today delivering a parcel from London to Newcastle for only 20 quid I said to him, "You're taking this too far."

'Body in the bag MI6 Spy Gareth Williams may never be solved'.
Maybe after an argument, his boyfriend packed him in.

In Scotland recently, I was in the countryside and said to a bloke:
"See that young bull over there? I bet I could knock it out and floor it."
"Nae chance" he laughed, "everyone knows that wee bulls wobble but they don't fall down."

I wonder if somewhere in the world there exists a female tribute to the wu-tang clan called the poontang clan? That would make my day that.

"Are you taking me out on the town tonight?" asked my wife. "Yeh sure." I replied. At least it's not on me for once.

Did you hear about the rabbit who washed his thing and couldn't do a hare with it?

As a blind kid I used to believe in Santa.
I could feel his presents.

I wondered if Henry IV ever signed any orders 'HIV'? Probably - he had aides.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

Saw some guy at an auction pay 40 for a length of rope that was tied into a noose.
Looked like a suicide bid.

I was going to start a drilling business, but i had to give up on the hole thing.

I like to treat my girlfriend like a punchbag.
I don't actually hit her, I just stand around her with a group of mates talking about how hard we could bang her.

I don't know what a ship's chimney is called.
Funnelly enough

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.

The name 'Inmates' was given to prisoners after they witnessed what went on in the showers there.

It's taken almost six week, but I've finally sold my wife on Gumtree.com.
Although she's not quite willing to delete her eBay account just yet.