My Wife asked me what I had done at work today.
As a teacher, I told her I had asked the children to describe glaciers.
'I see', she said...
Exactly the answer most of the children gave.

I like to end all my arguments by showing a photo of my hair combed neatly in different directions.
My parting shot.

Uncooked burgers are very rare these days

The missus asked me if I fancied some role play last night.
And afterwards we juggled with baguettes.

I considering learning how to sprint.
Then I realised, it would never help me in the long run.

I flew in a Lear Jet once
What a load of nonsense that was.

There's been a fire at the local beauty parlour.
Damage is only cosmetic.

What do you call a Mexican who gives step by step instructions?
Emanuel.

In a small town there is a painter and decorator. Unknown to the locals, he thins down his paint, allowing him to charge low rates and therefore get lots of jobs around town. One such job is the local Methodist church. So he gets his brushes out and spends four days painting the outside of the church with his thinned-down paint, but on the last day, just as he is finishing, the heavens open and it rains cats and dogs, washing away all his hard work. God appears in the sky and, angry with his deception, says to the man:
"Repaint! Repaint! And never thin again!"

I've just run over a hoodie with my combine harvester.
There's no way I'm going to be able to seperate the wheat from the chav.

I wanted to be a bouncer, but they wouldn't let me in.

You'll never beat the Germans to the sunloungers beside the pool.
It's far better to just throw in the towel.

BBC News: Buffett donates another $1.78 billion
If only all americans went on a diet

"Where were you last night?", I asked my girlfriend.
"I was at my friend's house, it was girls night."
"Your story's full of holes!", I replied.

When Victoria Beckham came into my labour ward to give birth I thought I'd try to lighten the mood by telling a few jokes about how she should get ready to push and how it was about time that she experienced childbirth properly.
She told me to cut it out.

A friend of mine suddenly announced she had been taking Judo lessons.
Totally threw me.

Arrowsmiths have gone on strike because they feel their work is underappreciated. To be fair, they do make a good point.

Phobophobia scares me.

I am so disappointed with the Copa America final.
Both teams are so guay.

I always seem to have trouble expressing myself.
My doctor says it's because I'm male and men don't produce breast milk.

I went for a job interview last week but I lost out to a Pole.
I'm not too bothered though, I didn't really want to spend three weeks holding up a tent.

The wife's just told me that for my birthday she's ordered me a winch driven vertical hoist giving easy access to underground aqueous resources.
I've not a clue what she's talking about but I'm sure she means well !!

As I was digging my nose the other day, I suddenly thought to myself....
This shovel will seriously damage my face.

It's funny how "shocking" and "stunning" carry the same meaning.
Except when commenting on someone's appearance.

My mate spent ten years inside
He has severe agoraphobia.