I went to my mate's funeral today, He worked in a cotton mill for 40 years delivering in his lorry,
On his wreath from the mill it read 'john worked for 40 years and now he's gone, but not forcotton'.

Why don't the Italians knock down the Leaning Tower of Pisa?
Its a listed building.

I'm a conductor having an affair with a player in the London Philharmonic Orchestra.
In fact she's giving me the horn right now.

Got a strange look today from a Jeweller when I asked him for a little finger ring....

I've just been offered a job at an abortion clinic.
I need the money but, as a devout Christian, I would have to change my values.
"Ah well, I suppose I must make some small sacrifices".

My wife said she is leaving me because of my obsession with skin disorders.
I said 'Lets not make any rash decisions'

I was walking down the street the other day when an old lady fell over and dropped all her shopping. Immediately, a group of young men nearby stopped their game of football and rushed over to help.
You wouldn't see that happening in my neighbourhood, I thought ruefully.
No ball games allowed.

My wife has left me over my obsession with Mike Barson, Cathal Smyth,Lee Thompson,Chris Foreman, Mark Bedford, Daniel Woodgate and Suggs. I can't understand her. It's total Madness.

Lots of gentle strokes, dip it in then out with a nice rhythm, the ends going to get wet thats to be expected, now look at how happy you've made your mum.
Well done son, you'll definitely win the rowing race this year.

My son claims he is over his childish obsession with prehistoric creatures and says he is concentrating on schoolwork
I dont believe him though - Ive just seen him reading a book called the saurus

Used to work at a bowling alley; but I got fired. Wasn't to bothered anyway, I was only Tem-pin.

My girlfriend seems to disapprove of the excessive fondling in our relationship.
I know exactly how she feels.

There's a black guy who sits at the desk opposite from me at the office. I've never spoken to him, but he always gives me funny looks. I can only put it down to him being jealous of my world record attempt for 'longest time in a Klan Hood' but some people are content to just do nothing with their lives

Without A Sharp, most music would be flat.

I spent this afternoon watching two pints of lager and a packet of crisps.
After 30 minutes of intense viewing they were eventually left unattended and I stole them.

My wife said something about me being pretentious the other day.
Thankfully, I had my Beethoven turned up so loud I couldn't hear her.

You know what really hacks me off?
My axe fetish.

As a blind West Country banker,
I currency very well.

As a blind West Country banker,
I currency very well.

I have just bought a new box of Crayolas, and it includes both 'Burnt Sienna' and 'Raw Sienna'.
They really need to figure out how to cook Sienna.

Katie Price has brought out another perfume which contains goat urine. It smells terrible
Seriously, sometimes it seems like she's got more money than scents.

Heard that one of the German national football squad was having trouble falling asleep on long-haul flights, so being the generous lad that I am I sent him an inflatable neck-rest. I included a note.
It read- ''To Klose; for comfort''

The only time my wife squirts is when using Mr Muscle Kitchen spray.

I once spent a year of my life rolling down hills in a giant tyre.
That was a Goodyear.

I'm like God when it comes to similes.