I wrote a very threatening letter to the council, stamped it and sent it off.
But the police traced it back to my house because of the footprint on the envelope.

Me and the wife met on holiday in Spain.
I simply refused to fly on the same plane as her.

I dig up beautiful people and sell their heads as masks. People take them at face value.

I've always had an attraction to a nice pot of Earl Grey.
I guess that makes me some kind of proper tea magnet.

I was at the pub last night and decided to take a few shots.
The barman then threw me out because I apparently ruined that game of pool.

being a necrophiliac is hard, corpses are really hard to come by
Perhaps I should think of undertaking something else.

A guy walks into the chemist and says, "Hi I would like some of them novelty gangster rap condoms please."
The Chinese pharmacist says, "Would you like Tupac?"
The man says, "No thanks just the one."

Whenever I misbehaved at school my teachers would always make me do lines at break time.
It's no wonders that I became a cocaine dealer.

I saw this worm in my back garden, so I stepped on what I thought was it's head.
That was the end of it.

I am being forced to flee the country
The farmers are out to get me

There was a fit bird batting her eyelids at me in the pub last night.
I picked them up off the floor and batted them straight back.

My last relationship left me badly burnt.
The judge gave a her three years for arson.

You can imagine my confusion when an invite to the "Eunuch's Ball" came through the door.

BBC NEWS: cd pioneer dies aged 81
thats one for the records

Take it from me, if you go into an S&M club, keep your whips about you.

A mate just asked me if I like Placebo?
Doesn't really do anything for me.

Every time my wife and I cheat on each other, we put a flower in a vase to let each other know.
We have an arrangement.

I have just been speaking to a dyslexic guardsman outside Buckingham Palace. I think what he meant to say was "I'm having problems with my Bear Skin slipping down my Forehead"

I'm not saying Adele is fat as such - just that I recently heard a rumor that Pop 'N Fresh has a poster of her on his kitchen wall for inspiration

I don't know why Agatha Christie books are so popular, it's just a mystery to me.

I'm just finding my feet at work.
I knew joining the bomb squad was a bad idea.

In Yorkshire we call a spade, a spade.
Down in that thar London they use all fancy words for 'em.
Like Autistic.

BBC news: Jordan clashes leave one man dead
Katie Price finally snapped then?

I think my husband is in denial. One minute he's not a cross dresser, the next he's dressing in my knickers and calling himself Francesca.
It doesn't bother me that he's a cross dresser, but I don't see why he just can't be Frank with me.

If you don't know your Latin imperfect endings, you have no Bant.