I was looking forward to seeing Thin Lizzy play this summer.
But alas, no Moore.

There is not a single pub in my town that allows trainers in after 8pm.
No wonder all the staff at my local gym look so miserable.

I have an S&M kit.
It's brand spanking new.

I'm on a new program to kick my addiction to glue sniffing, i'm gonna stick with it.

My dad's cement business is on the skids. I told him he should sell it before he goes bankrupt.
He won't though. He's too set in his ways.

I found an uneven paving slab this morning.
I just stumbled across it.

I'm really not getting through to my girlfriend and I think it's a matter of time until we split.
What part of, "Explicate the exponential growth of the neo-platonic paradigm from the perspective of a Nietzschean ubermensch" doesn't she understand?

"I've got a bone to pick with you"said the generous tramp.

Whats big and smells?
A jews nose.

I think it's weird how men are attracted to the same things that feed babies.
But as long as I wash the bottle before handing it back to my kid it will be ok.

If Post Modernism was the effort to move as far away from modernism as possible.
And the definition of Office is a place of business where professional duties are performed...
I think I now understand what Post Office is.

I went into a poster factory with a gun and shouted, "Stick 'em up".

I love being an Indian Cobra!
I live a charmed life.

Plosive Consonants, Bug me Big Time

I bought my wife a 24 carrot necklace.
She said, "Couldn't you have got a gold one instead?"

So Russia have won the bid to host the 2018 World Cup.
Looks like they're Putin one over on us.

I got a round of applause last night.
In hindsight I think my friends would have preferred it if I'd stuck to drinks.

I popped my girlfriends cherry today.
Completely ruined her fruit salad.

I was taking the dog for a walk in the forest when I came across a woman rubbing her hands up and down the trees.
I said "Are you feeling Oaky?"

I got caught out at work today. The boss will go nuts if he finds out we played cricket.

My mate just told me that he's going to a fancy dress party dressed as an Italian island..
I Said ''Don't be Sicily!''

On a recent holiday my wife tried bungee jumping and she had the time of her life. Every single last second of it.

I hate reverse Pshychology...
Or do i?

My wife was just searching all over the house.
She asked me, "Have you seen my box?"
I replied, "Not since our wedding night no."

Scaffolding.
I'm a supporter.