My dad's cement business is on the skids. I told him he should sell it before he goes bankrupt.
He won't though. He's too set in his ways.

I found an uneven paving slab this morning.
I just stumbled across it.

I'm really not getting through to my girlfriend and I think it's a matter of time until we split.
What part of, "Explicate the exponential growth of the neo-platonic paradigm from the perspective of a Nietzschean ubermensch" doesn't she understand?

"I've got a bone to pick with you"said the generous tramp.

Whats big and smells?
A jews nose.

I think it's weird how men are attracted to the same things that feed babies.
But as long as I wash the bottle before handing it back to my kid it will be ok.

I'm just finding my feet at work.
I knew joining the bomb squad was a bad idea.

In Yorkshire we call a spade, a spade.
Down in that thar London they use all fancy words for 'em.
Like Autistic.

BBC news: Jordan clashes leave one man dead
Katie Price finally snapped then?

I think my husband is in denial. One minute he's not a cross dresser, the next he's dressing in my knickers and calling himself Francesca.
It doesn't bother me that he's a cross dresser, but I don't see why he just can't be Frank with me.

If Post Modernism was the effort to move as far away from modernism as possible.
And the definition of Office is a place of business where professional duties are performed...
I think I now understand what Post Office is.

I went into a poster factory with a gun and shouted, "Stick 'em up".

I love being an Indian Cobra!
I live a charmed life.

Plosive Consonants, Bug me Big Time

I bought my wife a 24 carrot necklace.
She said, "Couldn't you have got a gold one instead?"

So Russia have won the bid to host the 2018 World Cup.
Looks like they're Putin one over on us.

I got a round of applause last night.
In hindsight I think my friends would have preferred it if I'd stuck to drinks.

I popped my girlfriends cherry today.
Completely ruined her fruit salad.

I was taking the dog for a walk in the forest when I came across a woman rubbing her hands up and down the trees.
I said "Are you feeling Oaky?"

I got caught out at work today. The boss will go nuts if he finds out we played cricket.

My mate just told me that he's going to a fancy dress party dressed as an Italian island..
I Said ''Don't be Sicily!''

On a recent holiday my wife tried bungee jumping and she had the time of her life. Every single last second of it.

I hate reverse Pshychology...
Or do i?

My wife was just searching all over the house.
She asked me, "Have you seen my box?"
I replied, "Not since our wedding night no."

Scaffolding.
I'm a supporter.