My teacher wasn't surprised that I did well in the recent test on "What to do when you see money on the floor".
He said he knew I'd pick it up quickly.

A mate of mine was killed in a freak accident after tripping over a jigsaw.
The cause of death is unconfirmed as police are still piecing together the evidence.

After spending hours looking through my drawers, I've finally found a pair of socks that don't have holes in.
Now that's sorted, I've just got to find a way to get them on.

My wife and I were flying home from our holiday when she whispered in my ear `Come on big boy make me sore`.So i threw her out at 20,000 feet.

I used to work for KP as a delivery man.
My truck was persistently breaking down.
It drove me nuts.

Energy efficient windows, No pane, No gain.

I've been going to the gym for the past two weeks and i've managed to lose about ten pounds.
There's a wishing well outside.

My mate tried to convince me to go dressed as a shoe at a fancy dress party.
But I told him that I wouldn't be suede.

My mates just phoned to say his daughter has swallowed the mouth organ I bought for her birthday. Aah Monica, I'm sorry.

My brother and I were seeing all these Pope jokes come up and wondered how many more months they would drag on for.
He suddenly shouted - "Let's have a sweepstake".
I replied "Its not the time to be thinking of eating Sooty's friend".

I just told a joke about eating dry crackers.
Didnt go down too well...

I was in hospital with a depressed skull fracture.
I wasn't very happy about it.

Tinnitus sufferers - stop whining.

My fat wife has recently started a new exercise routine.
She's doing 20 Crunchies a day.

BBC news: England team given Delhi go-ahead
Thats nice, feeding them.

Spanish schizophrenics are Juan and the same.

I pulled 10 women last night.
Tug of war champion.

A vertically challenged, mixed heritage hermaphrodite was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia..
It's political correctness gone mad..

You may have wondered why 'period' and 'full stop' mean the same thing.
If so, try going down on your girlfriend at the wrong time of the month.

I'll never forget my mate's words to me just before he snuffed it..
"do you think it will make me sneeze?"

I just clicked on a URL, but the computer went mad and sprayed me with deodorant.
I hate hyper Lynx.

I caught my parrot drinking Dettol.
I took him to the vet but he gave him a clean bill of health.

Electrical impulses.
They really get on my nerves..

So there was this breeze going all the way across the Atlantic.
Ah, forget it. My jokes are always too long-winded.

I've just bet my brother a tenner that I can cross from one side of the river Thames to the other stood in a small boat using only a long stick to propel myself.
It's worth a punt.