In the year 1800 man called Smith invented the world's first bladeless helicopter. But it never really took off.

I went into a private detectives office today with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper,i said, "I want you to trace someone for me"

According to the Guinness Book of Records, The most records broken by one man in a day is 17.
That's nothing, I managed 70 this morning, After cleaning out the attic.

My wife left me because I'm a Paki.
Fair enough.

After being motionless for over a year, I finally moved for the first time today.
I was ex-static.

I was thinking about visiting a nearby castle.
But it's only a fort.

I saw a woman in the high street today selling novelty size mobile phones; she had the biggest pair of Nokias you have ever seen.

The only time I don't get on with paki's, is when they board a plane.

If Stephen Hawking gets eaten by a cannibal, I wonder how many bytes it will take?

Me and my brother wore the same shirt to town today.
We both found it very difficult trying to walk.

I'm sick and tired of overdosing on sleeping pills.

My wife has just ran off with a doctor from Prague.
That'll be what she meant every Thursday when she said she was going for a check up.

I'm well known for my incredible guile.
My Chun Li's not bad either

My mate has just finished building a structure that holds water.
I said, "Well done."

IN THE NEWS: "Abbey Clancey is furious at Peter Crouch's infidelity"
I didn't know she was a Muslim.

Terrorists can't be that dumb, think about it this way, after realising their mistake with picking the date 9/11, they chose 7/7 to bomb london to avoid confusion.

I've just been tested for Chlamydia. Not great feedback, but the nurse was lovely, so I'm taking some positives from it.

My wife call's me "Sleepyhead"
I'm not tired, I'm impotent.

My friend, Eddie, spends several hours a day lubricating an old bench clamp... It's one of his many vices.

My mates keep making fun of me after having my arms amputated by handing me beers.
I can't take it anymore.

Its better to have loved and lost, than to have won and paid a lump sum to a lawyer.

Not praying before dinner is a disgrace.

I noticed that my plane to Majorca has been grounded.
It should learn to behave next time.

My girlfriend is on the pill but is thinking of trying something else.
I told her if the cap fits.

Did you know that 'gnol sa flah' is half as long when spelt backwards?