People say I'm a ladies man.
No sorry ... lady boy.

My wife told me she can't stand being with me anymore...
So I cut her legs off.

Finally had my tattoo finished today.
Quite impressed with my wizards sleeve.

I always wanted to be an ointment, but I never applied myself.

I've just seen Aliens in my garden.
Now I've got to move my Tv and DVD player back in the living room.

I've just seen Aliens in my garden.
Now I've got to move my Tv and DVD player back in the living room.

I took my kids on a tour of the postcard factory.
They said it was nothing to write home about.

Guitar players. Worried about your fingers hurting? Stop fretting

I met my mate earlier and he looked really upset. I said, "What's up, fella?"
"I've just been on that website with the sick jokes..."
"Alright, it's funny isn't it?"
"It would be, but half the jokes are about me!" said Dave.

Life as a sink can be draining.

I went to a restaurant near Wimbledon.
I thought the service would be better.

My wife's always claiming she has a migraine but I'm not having any of it.
I said to her, 'It's all in your head babe'.

My friend had a heart attack watching a penalty shoot-out.
It was a sudden death.

My mate Luke just got killed as he was crossing the road.
Time after time I've told him, "Stop, Luke, and listen"..

Originally there were eight dwarfs.
Until Junky overdosed.

I've just seen a sign for a low bridge.
I didn't even know they could get depressed.

What's brown, smelly and falls off walls?
Humpty Dump.

My son is doing a school project on battery farming and he asked me for some help.
I know nothing about it though, I thought that batteries were man-made.

I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Been upholstering all morning, now let's get to the pub!

BBC News: 'America to build nuclear power plants.'
I think thats going a bit far. I find some water and a bit of sunshine is enough.

It would be cool to change the infrastructure on my street and layer it with chocolate and marshmallows. Although I don't know who else would appreciate the rocky road

If you see a shrink on a regular basis, then you need your head examined.

I was at the casino last night and I only put chips on the numbers 2,4,6 and 8 on the roulette wheel.
I was against the odds.

Talking to a protester in Tibet, I couldn't stop laughing at his non-stop jokes.
He was on fire.

been getting some dirty looks recently because of the age gap between me and my 19 yr old girlfriend.
i dont see the problem myself, we hve lots in common, for instance she's into hip hop and im waiting to have one .