Can't go through the gate?
Get over it
I run my own gym. People have been coming for ages but don't
seem to be getting any stronger.
It's the same weak in weak out.
My wife was holding our baby son in his blanket when he suddenly got sick all over it.
'Ugh disgusting,' I said 'we'll have to get a new one now.'
'Where will we get it?' she replied
'Hmmm...Down in the orphanage I suppose?'
I've given up using Match.com.
After 6 long months I haven't met a single girl to play football against.
I sailed my old boat out to sea this afternoon and did 17 knots in her...
Surely there's an easier way to tie your laces!
My friend got diagnosed with impotence. It's a shame, cause I'm having a party tonight, and now he can't come.
My mates reckon my steroid use has no advantages.
I disagree strongly.
Just bought some new Shakespearin pain killers.
They come in capulets.
Did you hear about the surgery performed in Prague? They succeeded in separating siamese twins joined at the hip. And after 16 hours in surgery....
the doctor handed each parent a separate Czech
I felt really sore after sleeping on my arm last night.
Maybe I'll go back to using my bed.
I was telling a friend about an ancient tale to bring wealth, health and happiness to your family and I told him I had been doing it.
I told him I got a blood orange and a red apple, I had to soak them overnight in a pot with some hair or a nail from the members of my family.
In the morning, and this bit is critical, you have to put the apple and the orange into specific places. So I put the apple in a shoe but it had be a right shoe.
He said "wow that's an interesting story, what's the origin?"
I said, 'it's in a sock next to the apple'
I was telling a friend about an ancient tale to bring wealth, health and happiness to your family and I told him I had been doing it.
I told him I got a blood orange and a red apple, I had to soak them overnight in a pot with some hair or a nail from the members of my family.
In the morning, and this bit is critical, you have to put the apple and the orange into specific places. So I put the apple in a shoe but it had be a right shoe.
He said "wow that's an interesting story, what's the origin?"
I said, 'it's in a sock next to the apple'
NEWS: World Masturbating Championships 2013 to be held on Palm Sunday.
I complemented my friend on their moustache
Now she wont talk to me
What's Jay-Z's favourite toy?
A yo-yo.
I've just been learning about Newton's law of universal gravitation and it really bought me back down to Earth.
My daughter has been put on the Olympic gymnastics team.
She flipped when she found out.
I always get criticised for expressing phrases too literally. But at the end of the day, its night-time.
I've finally realised what's been bugging me lately.
The FBI.
I have a Scottish Carp in my pond,
It's the real McKoi.
Our local rubbish collectors have issued a stern warning today...
They're stamping down on overfilled bins.
Our local rubbish collectors have issued a stern warning today...
They're stamping down on overfilled bins.
I met this bird the other day...
It kind of killed the mood when she started bringing sticks back to my bed.
I could have made a career as a professional snooker player if only I'd got a break.
I'm getting fed up with reading Time Machine jokes.
If I read another one, I'll hang myself yesterday morning.
