Women love to hear it when I tell them I can play guitar.
Just not very well.

My friends a travelling contortionist.
She lives out of her suitcase.

This time last year I lost 55lbs.
I'm a terrible babysitter.

Good thing Fred Goodwin didn't invent time, there would be no night.

'Ther'
Well, that's neither here nor there really, is it?

There's an F in football.
There's an F in Fernando.
But there's no F in chance Torres will score anytime soon.

My wife had finally had enough of my pet, so one day when i got home from work she exclaimed,
"Right I've had enough of this. Either i go or the he does."
"The dog can go then." I replied making up my mind in a flash.
"Good choice hunny," My wife said snuggling up to me.
"Come here rover, come and say goodbye."
"Awww, i may actually miss you." My wife stated.
"don't worry you can take a picture of him with you when you go."

I was imprisoned for raping a Minor.
It must be the Soot, sweat and big Machinery that
gets me going.

I've just finished reading Mr Kipling's autobiography.
Normally i struggle to read those kind of books.
But that was a piece of cake.

I've been trying all day to think of a new pancake joke but they're all crepe.

When Arnold Schwarzenegger dies, will he be an ex-terminator?

When Arnold Schwarzenegger dies, will he be an ex-terminator?

I can't say how much I hate being a mute

At the end of my first week in the Navy, I got my first taste of the Officers' Mess.
I'll have to try harder next time we play Soggy Biscuit.

Look, we're not going to be able to fit all of you in the bus, full stop.

Look, we're not going to be able to fit all of you in the bus, full stop.

Contacting dead astronauts is easy.
It's not Rocket Seance.

Lots of things we didn't know about our dad came out at the trial.
He was clandestinely doing woodwork and abusing young girls in his shed.
He had a secret vice no one knew about.

Whats the difference between my wife and my Facebook status?
I like my Facebook Status.

Had some road rage today. I was driving into a circus carpark and some clown cut me up.

I was watching the home shopping channel when it said" Forget eveything you know about washing machines"
It was a load of my mind.

I was watching the home shopping channel when it said" Forget eveything you know about washing machines"
It was a load of my mind.

This "exercise" thing is a lot easier than I thought. I've been sitting up all afternoon and I'm still not tired.

"Thanks for coming", said the receptionist at the Sperm Bank.

The hinge of my globe is crucial.
The world revolves around it.