I've been making loads of different types of bread today and they've all turned out perfect.
I don't know what type to do next, I think I'm on a roll.

My mother gave me a right ear full for being on tv during crimewatch.
So I clambered down and watched it from the sofa with her.

Yahoo news: "Murdoch turns on editor, lawyer in phone hacking probe"
The rest of the court room found the finger sucking and gyrating a little uncomfortable.

I used to love outrageous Scottish comedians but lately I confess to have gone off the Boyle.

I saw a rat earlier and concluded it was overrated. Then a few more turned up, which was nice because rats are definitely underrated.

As a doctor at a fertility clinic, I try to ignore this recession the country is in,
I've far more impotent things to worry about.

My pregnant girlfriend fell down the stairs. Luckily the baby was still born.

What's the difference between Elton John and Blackbeard?
One is famed for plundering booty, and the other is a pirate.

I cried as my Nan called my brother an ambulance today. Her Alzheimer's is getting worse.

My wife works in the local chip shop. She knows her plaice.

Stroke my coat. You've pulled a cat.

The power went out in my house the other day and I got really depressed.
It was a very dark time in my life

I just got ripped off by someone on Ebay.
I bought a pair of Night Vision Goggles. They sent me a diving mask and two carrots.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness?
There are nomad people there.

I was dribbling on the pillow last night when the wife woke up and said, "Stop playing football in the bed and go to sleep."

ive just bought the new cluedo, domestic violence edition
the wife did it too herself, in the kitchen with the cuboard door

Women are like guns, both work better suppressed

A girl came into the library and asked for the new 'Twilight' book,
I nearly threw a good book at her, but I didn't want to catch'er in the eye.

My wife told me she wasnt feeling herself today
Looks like ill have to do it for her then..

I told the Missus there was no way she could back the car into the garage,
But she did it perfectly,
Reverse psychology.

I said to my wife today:
"You're like a dandelion"
She said:
"Why? Because i'm pretty and remind you of summer"?
I said, "No, because you want your head blowing off"

My wife said that I need to stop being so unsure about things...
I think...

My mum asked me "I want to find out more about the 'The appprentice' finalists, do you know what that chinese-australian girl is called?"
"Susan Ma."
"Son, there are millions of Susans in the world, I'm going to need a second name pet."

After a long game the final whistle went and our coach came on the pitch
The groundsman went ballistic.

I'm looking for that Miss right.
Because my Miss left.