My indicators are on the blink...

The Spitfire, it maybe old but no Fokker can touch it.

In his golden years, my granddad open doors for a lot of people.
He was a car valet.

I ate a pixelated brownie yesterday.
Only took me one byte.

"Use only as directed." Really? I'm taking pills, not performing on Broadway.

One of the perks in my job as an hairdresser is I get to take home bits of customers hair.
It's a job with fringe benefits.

I've written up an escape plan for anyone stuck in tunnels, but you may have to just run through it.

I punched a hole in the wall earlier.
The bank were NOT happy.

'Beyonce baby's name leak'
She named it after a vegetable?

I'm spending today looking for places to hide the bodies of my last three girlfriends.
It's a dead ex siting day.

'I lost an innuendo tournament in the second round at the weekend.
But at least I managed to knock one out.'

I just cooked myself some dried fruit, but I had to hurry.
I've got a hot date.

I can't tell you how proud I was there, standing on the stage with my "Attic Of The Year" award, holding it a loft.

I went trainspotting today.
I must be going through a Damien Hirst phase.

I went to the Doctors complaining that my hands hurt when I did
the washing up.
He prescribed me some Dishwasher Tablets.

I lost 30 pounds in 10 days due to betting.
I never thought losing weight could be so easy!

What do my new trainers and a disabled asylum seeker have in common?
They both fell off the back of a lorry.

Have a break.
Have a Kwik-Krap

The reason the Italian manager has resigned is because he refused to suck up to the FA when expected.
That'll be the Capello reaction.

Great win for Harry Redknapp and Spurs last night. He may not be top of the Premiership, but at least he stays top of the Bungersleague.

My girlfriend phoned today saying she was in town, looking at leather suites.
I'm not so sure - they sound a bit chewy to me.

The wife went mad after catching me smoking a fat one in the garden yesterday.
"That salmon's going to make my washing stink of fish." she raged.

The new auction house was looking for a grand opening today.
But there's no way anyone's going to bid 1000 on a collection of signed Chas & Dave LPs.

Apparently, the 'Fifth Element' is a really good film. To be honest, it sounds kind of Boron.

I turned up at a local ghost fancy dress with a cop outfit.
I got bood.