A friend of mine came up to me the other day trying to sell me his belt.
He said "Things are a bit tight at the moment and I need to get rid of it."

an ambidextrous golfer can swing both ways....

The Special Needs disco was awkward at first.
But by the end, everyone was getting Downs.

I'm writing a book, and it's about the sofa that I just threw away, and the new one that I've just bought.
Keep an eye out for it in all good bookstores.
It's called A Tale Of Two Settees.

One of the perks in my job as an hairdresser is I get to take home bits of customers hair.
It's a job with fringe benefits.

I've written up an escape plan for anyone stuck in tunnels, but you may have to just run through it.

I punched a hole in the wall earlier.
The bank were NOT happy.

'Beyonce baby's name leak'
She named it after a vegetable?

I'm spending today looking for places to hide the bodies of my last three girlfriends.
It's a dead ex siting day.

'I lost an innuendo tournament in the second round at the weekend.
But at least I managed to knock one out.'

I just cooked myself some dried fruit, but I had to hurry.
I've got a hot date.

I can't tell you how proud I was there, standing on the stage with my "Attic Of The Year" award, holding it a loft.

I went trainspotting today.
I must be going through a Damien Hirst phase.

I went to the Doctors complaining that my hands hurt when I did
the washing up.
He prescribed me some Dishwasher Tablets.

"Use only as directed." Really? I'm taking pills, not performing on Broadway.

I lost 30 pounds in 10 days due to betting.
I never thought losing weight could be so easy!

What do my new trainers and a disabled asylum seeker have in common?
They both fell off the back of a lorry.

Have a break.
Have a Kwik-Krap

Great win for Harry Redknapp and Spurs last night. He may not be top of the Premiership, but at least he stays top of the Bungersleague.

The reason the Italian manager has resigned is because he refused to suck up to the FA when expected.
That'll be the Capello reaction.

To relieve tension inside a Mexican prison, the goverment have decided to take all the inmates to a local football match.
This will only end up resulting in a Mexican crime wave.

My mum had plastic surgery, back in the 70s.
Sadly, she was left with flared nostrils.

"You're so bent!"
Said my chiropractor.

I put a Time Bomb in my mate's car the other day.
He was really ticked off.

And in lighter news, Zippo have announced record profits.