I nearly cut myself shaving this morning.
It was close, but no scar.

I went into McDonalds and ordered a Big Mac meal.
The bloke behind the counter said, "You having it large?"
I said, "No mate, just going to sit quietly and eat my food"

My mate asked me if I fancied a game of chess next thursday, I told him I'd check my diary.
He never seems to have his own board.

My Geordie mate Kev was having a rant the other day, "I tell you what man, the next person I hear making insulting sterotypical remarks about us Geordie's is gonna get stabbed in the eye!"
"Why eye?" I asked

I drew two pictures of a naked lady.
I rubbed one out.

My mate asked me if I knew what modifiers were.
I said "More or less".

I met this gorgeous, but slightly crazy, bird last night.
She said she loved her new lingerie so much, that she was never going to take it off.
However, I managed to talk her out of it.

I miss my little sister.
So I've started to throw larger stones, and now hit her head every time.

I have recently started getting into shape.
They are some tasty yogurts.

Today it's Timmy's birthday, my Down's syndrome dwarf nephew. My wife and son and I went round to my sister's place to celebrate. After the main course, the kids were sent upstairs to play with Timmy's toys. Halfway through the night I went to the bathroom, and I heard, to my dismay, my son making fun of little Timmy. So, naturally, I took him out of the room and gave him a good talking to.
"Listen," I said. "You might think it's great fun to laugh at your cousin. In fact, I used to be nasty to people who weren't like me too. You might even have called me a bully. Let me tell you now: it's not big, and it's not clever...
But it is your cousin and it has feelings too, so be nice."

My opticians webpage has gone missing...
I've lost my site!

Why didn't the Notorious B.I.G ever go on holiday?
Because he didn't like 2pac.

Last Friday, during my trip round the USA, I stopped off in Michigan for a crazy night out.
It's fair to say by the end of the night I was in a pretty awful state.

What do you call a chinese carpenter?
Nai Ling

I used to go out with an epileptic pirate.
I loved the way she shook her booty.

Has anyone seen them coloured contact lenses?
In my eyes, they look stupid.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

I used to design mazes...
But it was a dead-end job.

My anti-itching powder hasn't worked........... So i'm starting again from scratch.

My mate's a big Robot Wars fan. He's built an incredible machine, but he's got no one to battle with, so he just attacks random things in his mum's house.
It defeats the object.

In the trenches, fighting to preserve Britain
Well done Time Team.

I was at a party the other night when my mate started abusing CFC's from a canister. . .
It Really killed the atmosphere.

I got Divorced last month and i ended up winning custody of the kids.
Today i took them to see the Fox and the Hound.
The kids love seeing their mum at their gorgeous Auntie's house.

I was serving dinner to an aardvark.
I asked him if he would like anything else to eat.
He replied "No, I've had enough"
I said "Are you sure? Is that you're final ant sir?"

I've been dating a statue sculpter for the past 6 months.
Great girl, but she puts me on a pedestal.