Police are looking for a man in the Leeds area who has battered several women in the past few days.
They have dubbed him The Yorkshire Pudding

I chipped my tooth yesterday
Now I'll be able to find it if I lose it

I have finally walked out on my wife as I could no longer put up with the endless arguments involving her OCD with kayaking literature.
Organising her rowing books into rows always led to rows.

There I was, thinking Wretch 32 had legitimately sampled the song 'Fool's Gold' By The Stone Roses; even that made me angry.
Imagine my utter disgust when I discovered he Pyrited it.

Me and my wife like to play a little game called 'Phone the women's refuge.'
I always beat her.

I used to be a communist, but I'm all right now.

My sister named her baby yesterday.
Stupid name if you ask me.

My mate just stays at home these days, watching film after film.
He has developed a reel problem

Todays news reads that the Government have released details of a scheme to replace the current EMA - Education Maintenance Allowance.
The all new 'To Work And Train Scheme' is designed to help all those who are stuck in the education system and being paid to stay learning when really they are 'To Work And Train'
I can't help but think the Government could do with reviewing these acronyms before they go out.

I told a French guy "Ive just been up Frances most iconic tower it was amazing!"
French guy : "Eiffel?"
Me : "Shouldnt have leaned over so far then you daft surrender monkey"

I've only got one complaint about four-poster beds.
You still need at least six hundred more posters to make it the same size as a mattress.

Sky News: "New Lead In Case Of Limbless Body"
Someone has come forward to give the police a much needed hand to get ahead and solve the case.
Small chance of finding the killer though. Probably legged it.
I tell you what though, I'm stumped.

If your girlfriend's bra is empty...
Fillet.

It's all that woman's fault I fell into the waste water system.
Maybe I should sewer.

Just got off the phone with o2 to set up my new contract deal. The man on the line asked me, "And how does your name appear on your debit card sir?"
I said, "In block capitals."

My friend got the job writing the soundtrack for the new Kenneth Branagh film.
He made a Thor tune.

This is the best way to stop a disobedient German dog....
Hands down

BBC News: Libyan rebels 'seize border post'
Royal Mail's excuses just keep getting worse.

I am so desperate to become a Hitman, I could literally kill someone.

Me and the wife spent hours trying to come up with an anagram of 'vole'.
Then we made love.

Me and my mates were trying to organise a bank job. We didn't even get an interview.

Everyone says I have my mother's eyes...
But until they find them it's just another rumour.

"Typewriter" is of course the longest word you can type using only the top row on a typewriter. At least, it was until I got to know Mr Qwertyuiop from Albania.

I went to the doctors today for a ketchup
He diagnosed dyslexia as the sauce

I hit a small child with my car the other day and thought:
"How did I pick that thing up..."