I was scared we wouldn't win the pub quiz when it came down to a tiebreak. Luckily I knew the answer to: "What is Glenn, the actress's, last name."
"Phew," I thought. "That was Close."

I think it's stupid to rundown Muslims.
If people are watching.

A bear escaped from the zoo this morning,
...It's pure pandamonium.

I had to help the wife with her nails today.
Her hands were coming loose from the crucifix.

I tried to use my psychic powers to move a ball to the other side of a tunnel but it turned out the ball was too big. I just didn't think it through.

The best part of Christmas is de-boning the turkey, right after I've seasoned it with my special sauce.

To be blunt, I don't like sharpened pencils.

I was walking down the street with my dogs when this man said, "Are they Jack Russells?"
I said, "No, they're mine."

A lorry has shed it's load of pepper mills on the M1.
Traffic has ground to a halt.

I went to a fancy dress party once and Bob Marley was there dressed in a hairy brown monster outfit with big teeth and he had a gun in his hand.
I think he was a Gruffalo soldier.

My girlfriend is heavily pregnant so I've spent the holiday period doing the fatherly thing by reading a load of baby books.
I'd forgotten just what a good read 'The Hungry Caterpillar" is.

I went to my local bakers the other day and the guy behind the counter was balancing on some bread. I thought to myself 'He's on a roll!'.

Cake-baking has gone through many changes throughout the years.
I like mid era.

I was trying to buy some new luggage the other day and for some reason I just burst into tears.
I must be case sensitive.

A hippy came up to me on the high street and said, "Free hug?"
I said, "I dunno, what did he do?"

I met a guy the other day who said his name was 'Ian Smith'
I said 'I don't believe you'
He asked 'Why not?'
I said 'Because there is no 'e' in 'Smith'.

I'm just going to the toilet to measure something. I shouldn't be long.

I always try and avoid blue cheese.
Probably why I've never won at Trivial Pursuit.

I'm going to kill all bachelors...every single one.

This dodgy looking guy started work in my office today. He demanded he occasionally work 40 hours sporadically across 7 days.
He's a bit shifty.

I got arrested for being unable to control my erection.
The health and safety officer said it's the most wobbly scaffolding he's ever come across.

I've got a habit of throwing my wife into various things around the house.
I love the look on the 'Angry birds' face

RAM error on my PC?
Must be goats in the machine.

I threw up this morning
I just really didn't like the film

I was a DJ at this party the other day and everybody hated my songs
Was alright, I didn't techno notice