I've just knocked a guy to the ground, by hitting him over the head with some laminated wood.....
I floored him.

I was visiting Preston at the weekend,
and I saw an amazing street magician who made a seventh of the city disappear before my eyes.
He just waved his wand and....Hey presto.

I was going to go for a brain transplant, but I changed my mind.

PC David Rathband death reported on BBC news earlier the police said he suicide note said he just couldn't see the point in living.

I know an awful lot about bus timetables.
I've led a sheltered life.

Alphabet:
A is for acronym...

Being a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

cripple jokes are the worst. i just cant stand them

"I don't see us working," I said to my wife after 10 years.
Since we both got fired we just sit at home and do nothing.

My mate, who drives trains for a living, was killed yesterday after getting struck by lightening.
He was a good conductor.

When I escaped from prison and police eventually caught up with me,one of the officers said,''Mate I have to say that was the best escape attempt ever.''
I was taken back.

I called to my mates, ''Will you lend me your car? My wife's going into labour.''
''I didn't know she was pregnant.'' he said confused.
''She's not,'' I replied, ''She's covering my shift in the building site while I watch the football.''

I don't have any idea how to fix this hole in my jumper
Darn it

I was very disappointed after watching several episodes of the Power Rangers.
Not once did they enforce any energy conservation laws.

I was very disappointed after watching several episodes of the Power Rangers.
Not once did they enforce any energy conservation laws.

I didn't know that Kid Rock's brother is a professional violinist.
He isn't very popular though, apparently there's something unappealling about the name 'Kid Fiddler'

I was walking down the road when a man threw a small tin of cash at me.
"That's petty" I thought.

I'm so excited, and i just can't hide it.
And the reason why i was sacked as a Gynecologist.

People say that I can't differentiate between what I've learnt at school and real life.
I don't understand.
Differentiate with respect to what?

The police are on my case.
I wish they would get off it, I am going abroad tomorrow.

I used to love watching old war movies as a child but that's a thing of the past.

I just used up my last plastic drink sucker. It made me so angry, I just lost control.
It was the final straw.

I converted my Nail bed into a door earlier.
I tell you what, you can't knock it.

My counsellor asked me to describe my early morning drug habit.
"Amusing", I replied.

I saw my local fishing shop was advertising a free pint of maggots if you spent over 20 in-store.
Needless to say, I didn't take the bait.