I hate my job as a window cleaner in Provence.
Aix and panes everywhere.

How long does it take to download elastic?
It depends on your bandwidth.

I want to say that Van Nistelrooy is the greatest striker of my generation.
But that would be Ruud.

My tooth started to hurt yesterday, so needing an appointment I gave the local dentist a ring.
He looked puzzled, but put it on his finger and said 'thanks, now what can I do for you?'

I just found out I'm dyslexic, it's quite saddening. Well, you know, when life gives you melons . . .

I bought my Latin American manager a Vauxhall.
I got my boss a Nova.

My ignorance of Houdini escape techniques knows no bounds.

I was meant to cut the wool off a few sheep today, but I couldn't be bothered.
Shear laziness.

Some disturbing news - A newspaper, made only for black people, has just been released.
Dark Times...

i bought some gingerbread men today, but when i was about to eat them, there was nothing in there and i realised i'd bought some ninjabread men.

I remember one time in my footballing years when the ref sent me off for hanging from the crossbar.
I was suspended for a while.

My girlfriend says she's finishing with me because of my obsession with toy based puns.
My mates all tell me I should walk away, but I just can't Lego.

I remember watching the news when 9/11 happened.
At that time, at the bottom of the screen it said, ''LIVE IN NEW YORK''
No, im not going to, I like were I am now and especially not when theres things like that going on.

Why is big such a small word?

Sometimes I randomly draw my wife's face and hang it on a wall in the house without her knowing.
It's a poor trait.

My colleague said that everyone's dressing up in black and red striped tops for work tomorrow.
It best Beano joke.

I'm kinda like a fireman. I turn the hoes on.

I went in to my local with some mates the other night and saw the landlord sitting at one of the tables chatting to some of the regulars. So I went up to him and asked him if he knew how many pints there were in a quart "Easy" he replied, "four". I headed to the bar and told the barman that the landlord said we could have our beers on him. He was doubtful so I looked over to the landlord and said "four pints, right?" He shouted back "yes, four pints".

I went to the pub last night and the barman said, "What can I get you?"
"Have you got anything on draught." I asked.
"Yes mate." He said, "There's a furry snake at the bottom of the fire exit door."

I like my new optician, she's easy on the eye.

New research has shown that what you eat affects your cognitive ability.
Food for thought.

What do you get for successfully laying under a cow?
A pat on the back.

When my girlfriend left me, she took all the sugar we had in the house. I'm still bitter.

What a beautiful winter's morning. I've just been out for a walk and seen a little robin.
It's a common sight in Tottenham..as are the police who arrived soon after...

I bailed yet another mate out today and I'm sick of it.
They either let me bat or bowl instead of wicketkeeping, or I wont play cricket with them anymore.