My blind mate just finished reading a book.
He said it was brailliant.

Apparently there are no small,medium and large when it comes to life jackets.
They're measured in capsizes.

I went to the church and started masturbating, which to my surprise got me thrown out.
Turns out the job vacancy wasn't for a 'bell wringer' after all.

I can't believe it took 7 hours for the tattooist to draw 67 little pocket-watches on both of my palms,
But then again I have a lot of time on my hands.

The man who invented online surveys has a lot to answer for.

Mr and Mrs Lemma are in two minds whether to name their daughter Di.

In England, of course, all roads roam to Leeds.

The police think they've foiled my alter ego, "Echoman".
But they haven't heard the last of him.

When me and my best friend left school we got a job dividing countries.
We both made a Korea out of it.

BBC news: Johnny Melfah posted Facebook messages urging a raid on the Apple store in Worcester.
At least he was encouraging something healthy.

My wife said she's leaving me because I keep slipping authors' names into conversation.
I don't know what she's Tolkien about.

My dream wife keeps telling me I fantasize too much

Jeremy Kyle show calender on sale,with special date's,
Six potential Father's day,
And underage Mothersday.

I'm giving away a puppet for free.
No strings attached.

At my school every student smokes pot before school.
That way no one misses out on higher education.

I live in a bungalow. Well, it has an upstairs. But that's another story.

Note to self:
Who are you and why do people keep sending you notes?

HMRC have offered to exchange Rangers tax debts for the naming rights to Ibrox they'll name it the Inland Revenue Arena, or IRA for short

For his birthday I made my mate a machine that links into your brain and amplifies your mental maths skills so that you can work out any calculation you want. It's not brilliant, but it's the thought that counts.

My wife left me for being childish so I've decided to turn my life around.
efil ym.

My drug mule lost 50,000 of my cocaine today.
I really should use a human like everyone else.

My father used to tell me that a round of golf was a fairway to vent his anger.

I put the 'ab' in duct tape last night.

I'm hoping to raise some cash with my "levitating vault" trick.

I saw a curried ghost last night.
It went right through me.