I was offered a job in Jamaica for six weeks. Tempting.

Just got engaged to a pencil. Can't wait to introduce everyone to my wife 2B.

Mannequins are model citizens

I got my results back from my last maths exam. I only got one question wrong. Apparently the compliment to a 30 degree angle is not:
You're looking acute today.

I've just bought an award winning dog, which just goes to show...

My inquisitive cat died.
Curious.

My mate's a Scottish Rasta and he can't swim.
He dreads lochs.

My mate was telling me last night that his racing dog went lame and had to be put down.
I said, "Whippet?"
He said, "No, I think they just used some drugs to put it to sleep."

I've submitted a quote to completely refurbish Gracelands.
I don't know if I'll win the contract but they did love me tender.

I've lost so many bits of Scalextric.
I just can't keep track.

I trapped off with this old bird last night at the club, who said she owned a new Penthouse.
Imagine my disappointment when we arrived back at her place, to find it was the exact same copy I've already got.

God gave me the perfect gift last night; a small white stick with a flammable red tip.
It was a match made in heaven.

I came accross 6 armed buddahs. Aren't they supposed to be gods of peace?

I know a jazz musician, everyone calls him "Soul King"
Because all he does is mope.

I don't know about you....
Mainly as I was told never to talk to strangers.

The wife left me because of my James Brown addiction
I feel good.

What do you get if you cover someone called Clare in chocolate?
A chocolatey Clare.

After a shake up at work I soon found my self on the managerial merry go round,
I must work at the most boring theme park in the world.

My son has been really reckless with the hot air balloon I bought for his birthday,
So he's grounded for 2 weeks.

Student:`Love a beer over here barman.'
Barman: `I.d. first'
Student:`I'd love a beer over here barman.'

Lost your keys? locked outside? Looks like i'm going to have to smash your back doors in...

Sorry, I'd drafted up a joke about Bromine and Boron but must've left it on the kitchen table.
BrB.

They say there is strength in numbers...
Try telling that to 93 norwegian teenagers

If my memory serves me well, I find myself wishing it wouldn't.

I am not the least bit surprised about the death of Zyzz we all knew it was going to happen sauna or later.