Normally I'm a laid back guy, but when I saw the poor portrait I had commissioned of myself, I went mental at the painter.
It just wasn't like me at all.

I turned up at a local ghost fancy dress with a cop outfit.
I got bood.

Apparently, the 'Fifth Element' is a really good film. To be honest, it sounds kind of Boron.

The new auction house was looking for a grand opening today.
But there's no way anyone's going to bid 1000 on a collection of signed Chas & Dave LPs.

The wife went mad after catching me smoking a fat one in the garden yesterday.
"That salmon's going to make my washing stink of fish." she raged.

My girlfriend phoned today saying she was in town, looking at leather suites.
I'm not so sure - they sound a bit chewy to me.

Great win for Harry Redknapp and Spurs last night. He may not be top of the Premiership, but at least he stays top of the Bungersleague.

Lock up your daughters, I have a "Rescuing the princess from her tower prison" fetish.

Acupuncture is a jab well done

Isn't it odd that the the human mind doesn't register the the fact that "the" was used twice each time in this sentence?

I've been making my own bed every single day for the last ten years.
God knows how the local timber suppliers keep up.

Got sent a letter by the bank today that said that there are too many pictures of me.
Apparently I am overdrawn.

My captors just made a joke about a burlap sack,
but it went right over my head.

My girlfriend was in shock when I told her that I buried her cat in quick drying cement.
It still hasn't sunk in.

My mate has started stealing public transport vehicles...
He gets a bus from it.

My career as a janitor has opened a lot of doors for me.

I'm on my way to market my new mascara in Saudi Arabia.
Apparently their women are known for their lashes.

I'm sick of ATMs these days.
They just don't make cents.

I've been trying to get over my fear of the stairs, but it's an uphill struggle.

I got accused of being a racist in work today. The new employee looked like that 'I need a dollar' singer.
All I said was "Aloe Black"

The other market traders think Im mad getting in a load of Russian dolls on my stall to sell,but I dont.
I think there is something in it.

I've got the ideal pitch for selling 'Rocky memorabilia' at the market.
Stall one

I had to give the new guy the bad news yesterday;
"Sorry mate, I have to let you go."
He screamed all the way to the bottom.

Last night, I decided to do my party trick where I would remove the tablecloth while leaving all the dishes on the table.
No one thought I could do it, but sure enough, I pulled it off!

My wife left me cause i admitted I love Denise.
Love elbows too, guess my joint fetish is strange?