I came home from work early to find my wife in a lesbian threesome with two stunning blondes.
But unfortunately she was just sitting in front of the telly stuffing her face with crisps as usual.

Normally I'm a laid back guy, but when I saw the poor portrait I had commissioned of myself, I went mental at the painter.
It just wasn't like me at all.

I turned up at a local ghost fancy dress with a cop outfit.
I got bood.

Apparently, the 'Fifth Element' is a really good film. To be honest, it sounds kind of Boron.

The new auction house was looking for a grand opening today.
But there's no way anyone's going to bid 1000 on a collection of signed Chas & Dave LPs.

The wife went mad after catching me smoking a fat one in the garden yesterday.
"That salmon's going to make my washing stink of fish." she raged.

My girlfriend phoned today saying she was in town, looking at leather suites.
I'm not so sure - they sound a bit chewy to me.

My mate has been impossibly demanding since he got a job as a maths teacher.
I guess there's just no pleasing sum people.

I was waiting at the bar at a fancy dress disco last night, when two people dressed as the letter 'P' and 'R' tried to get in front of me.
I said "Do you not realise there's a queue?".

To me, 'Judicious' isn't a legal term.
It's why women wear Washing-Up gloves.

Start my new job as a contortionist today.
I only got the job on account of me being flexible.

I needed a new look so I tried on a straitjacket.
But then I realised, I couldn't pull it off.

There are plenty of benefits of driving home in the dark,
now I don't have to put up with those awkward moments when I pull up to a traffic light and catch the woman sitting next to me staring right into the car.
Whilst I pick my nose.

My wife makes brilliant coffee.
She's got it right down to a tee.

My wife left me cause i admitted I love Denise.
Love elbows too, guess my joint fetish is strange?

Last night, I decided to do my party trick where I would remove the tablecloth while leaving all the dishes on the table.
No one thought I could do it, but sure enough, I pulled it off!

I had to give the new guy the bad news yesterday;
"Sorry mate, I have to let you go."
He screamed all the way to the bottom.

I've got the ideal pitch for selling 'Rocky memorabilia' at the market.
Stall one

The other market traders think Im mad getting in a load of Russian dolls on my stall to sell,but I dont.
I think there is something in it.

I got accused of being a racist in work today. The new employee looked like that 'I need a dollar' singer.
All I said was "Aloe Black"

I've been trying to get over my fear of the stairs, but it's an uphill struggle.

I'm sick of ATMs these days.
They just don't make cents.

I'm on my way to market my new mascara in Saudi Arabia.
Apparently their women are known for their lashes.

My career as a janitor has opened a lot of doors for me.

My mate has started stealing public transport vehicles...
He gets a bus from it.