Just bought a new TV, but it didn't come with anything to put it on. This is wrong, and I have not gotta stand for it!

My favourite ever memory is sleeping with my high school chemistry teacher.
I'm still coming two terms with it.

It was necessary to give my wife two black eyes last night.
One way or another, she will panda to my needs!

I was tidying up with the kids, today.
That'll teach them to play poker with their pocket money.

Elton John: "I'm not one of those who can easily hide."
...You mean you're fat?

I got a deep throat off my girlfriend for the first time yesterday,
There's a gag in there somewhere.

I am sitting on a train. I should probably climb inside and sit down before we reach a tunnel.

Apparently cluelessness is a sign of brilliance, I had no idea!

My mate couldn't recall what muscles contracted in the chest when breathing.
So I showed him a diaphragm.

I've just been sniffing glue with all the local tramps.
We're out of our boxes!

Yesterday , I wrote on my friend's wall for his birthday.
He says that he was disgusted because he got it painted three days ago.

I was walking the dog earlier when the wife gave me a stern look and handed me the lead.
Reluctantly, I put down my yo-yo and led the mutt outside.

I don't understand any of these terms like LAN, WAN, ROM and RAM.
It's all Geek to me.

I've just found out my wife's on the game.
I was pheasantly surprised.

My girlfriend asked me to sing a David Bowie song on karaoke.
I said, "No, you know I can't sing, Let's dance."

While walking across a street in Baghdad , I saw a metallic object which explodes on contact with anything what so ever.
That has to be mine.

BBC News: Earthquake hits West of Scotland.
Not much rubble but residents advised to move gingerly.

if my cat does a fart, does that still count as a queef?

I went to Wolverine's house party yesterday - it didn't end well...
...someone spiked the punch

I looked up synonyms for the word 'death'. I was at words for a loss.

I see cigarette papers have gone up in price again?
I had to pay 75p for 'The Marlboro Times' this morning.

My mate said to me, "Did you know that Harrier Fighter Jets take off vertically?"
I said, "Straight up?"

The best part of clubbing baby Seals is the horrified look on Heidi Klum's face.

BBC News: "Black Eyed Peas to play Wireless"
So now they aren't even trying to hide their lip syncing.

For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes seventy cents. Thats not fair. It only leaves the man with thirty.