The new Mario game is near perfection.
There's not mushroom for improvement.

I went out poaching endangered species yesterday...
Now I'm playing golf with tiger woods.

I was coming put of the pub yesterday with my dad and stumbled over to the peugeot.
He said 'give me your car keys.'...
Standing there with my trousers in my hands I thought 'I've had too much.'

If you're a litter collector but you're rubbish....
Pick yourself up and start again.

Archaeologists working on a ancient Saxon dig, have been excited to unearth the body of a man believed to have have murdered in a dispute over the ownership of dye.
It's thought to be the earliest case of Woad Rage on record.

As a shoplifter, I find supermarket doors alarming.

My wife came in to the living room screaming that she heard on the radio that the local nuclear power station was over heating and that we were all going to die.
I had to tell her to calm down and that it was probably just someone from the power station over reacting.

Scientists have concluded that radioactive pelicans could cause a natural disaster of glow bill proportions.

I've given up sniffing glue for Lent
...and I'm sticking to it

I don't know why my wife is taking it so seriously that I've broken all the lamps in the house.
It's only a light matter.

Some idiot has installed the new ceiling fans in our office way too low, there's one literally about a foot above my desk.
There's no wayI'm going to stand for that.

I used to think it was OK to doubt myself...
Now I'm not so sure.

I got sacked as a music teacher at a primary school.
I was told, teaching the girls to finger their organs was inappropriate.

Never take a crash course in aviation.
Unless, of course, you're a muslim.

I've been offered a position writing advertising jingles.
It's a ditty job but somebody has to do it.

I spove loonerisms!

Someone asked me if there was a B&Q in Carmarthen.
I told them 'No, but there's four 'L's in Llanelli.'

I don't usually spend a lot of money on toilet related items but a urinal on the other hand! Well that is something i'm willing to splash out on.

My psychiatrist said she can't see me any more because I should be committed.
I've moved into her shed. What more does she want.

I read in the paper: "Rare white leopard that escaped from the zoo not spotted."
I thought, "That's weird, I'm nearly sure all leopards are spotted."

Two prison inmates together, one says ''I've got two tickets to the wardens ball, do you want one?'',
''No thanks, I cant dance'' the other replied.
The first one replied ''It's not a dance, Its a raffle''

My wife said she's leaving me because I am forever doubting her ability to make decisions.
Ha, she doesn't have the bottle.

I was distraught today;
I found out my whiskey had Downs syndrome.
He's a window liquor.

I used to suffer from terrible acid indigestion.
Man I loved tripping.

Explain yourself
An emphatic form of the word 'you' usually used in formal address.