Pulled a Polish girl last night.
Turns out it was Mrs Muscle.

Times are changing....
I mean, just to think, a minute ago it was 11:40

My wife and i were arguing about me buying a hunting rifle. I said "Come on, be a deer".

Someone told me that "spooning leads to forking"
Personaly, I like to do some kniving inbetween.

I played killer at pool yesterday.
I drowned a Paki at the swimming baths in Yorkshire.

Ironically, erectile dysfunction can be hard to handle.

after holding onto a cliff within the grand canyon for 15 hours, a man finally fell to his death.
I found it exciting and tense, yet the papers called it the worst cliffhanger they had ever seen...

A sharp rise in flu has been reported by chimney sweeps.

I've just spent 10 grand on a swimming pool for my garden with a high diving board.
I just thought I'd splash out.

For years I've filed my toenails, but now I think, why do I keep them?

My wife's been undergoing intense radiotherapy for cancer over the last six months.
This has left her entire body in severe pain and caused her to lose all her hair.
The rest of the family is having to deal with her constant anger at her situation.
She's like a sore with a bare head.

I'm sick and tired of supporting England year in, year out.
These higher rate taxes are killing me.

In the near past I'd like to invent a device to create herbs and spices.
A Thyme machine.

I had six flying insects in my room, then I left the window open and twice as many flew in.
You do the moths.

My wife asked me to take care of her mum while she was away.
In hindsight I think she meant look after her...

To get some extra income I've become a small time dealer.
I sell Rolex, Tag Heuer and Casio.

Sky News: Wyclef Jean 'To Run' For Haiti Presidency
Don't you think they've had enough refugees?

Javier Mascherano wants to leave Liverpool Football Club according to his brother, Sausagean

The girl next door used to let come in her tree house and touch her up a bit.
But then we fell out.

If hungary was an African country , it would be called Starving.

'Interest Free Credit' - What men think of the 'Woman of The Year Award'.

My wife blames me for the miscarriage.
I guess she's got a point, perhaps if I hadn't made that false statement to the police then she might not have been convicted.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I was too pretentious,
I thought "pretentious, moi?"

My new time machine is looking good tomorrow, it should be ready for yesterday.

All men are born equal.
Apart from me, I was 3 months premature.