I like to lick furiously round the outside, then thrust my tongue in the middle.
I love jam doughnuts.

Today I was stopped by an NSPCC worker, who said to me "Do you like kids?"
Surely they have subtler ways of catching paedophiles?

The thing with gluesniffers is they all stick together

I was having a conversation with some of my body parts, when one of them shouted "Look in the sky, pigs are flying!"
I couldn't believe my eyes.

I was having a conversation with some of my body parts, when one of them shouted "Look in the sky, pigs are flying!"
I couldn't believe my eyes.

I'm a magician who does tricks on the streets to earn a living. A young woman around 18 came up to me and said "Blow my mind".
Funny how you can become a rapist in just a matter of seconds.

My carbon monoxide alarm keeps going of.
Its giving me a headache at this stage.

My wife's been undergoing intense radiotherapy for cancer over the last six months.
This has left her entire body in severe pain and caused her to lose all her hair.
The rest of the family is having to deal with her constant anger at her situation.
She's like a sore with a bare head.

If a pub in Scotland ever gets flooded,
They just have a loch in.

I tried some reverse psychology today.
I had my mum tell me about Freud.

I got fired as manager of a small liposuction clinic for throwing my weight around.

I'm not the type of person who holds grudges.
My father was and I will always hate him for that.

My wife went mad when she found out I'd covered her head with pages of the New Testament while she was asleep.
You should've seen the Luke on her face.

As a proctologist, I rectify every problem.

The definition of a Yankee.
It is the same as a quickee except you are by yourself!

My drunk wife fell out of the bed last night.
She was standing up when I did a sharp u-turn in my pickup truck.

How many minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb.
None.

I used to go out with an incredible Indian girl,
she was Amay Singh.

Ive just started a new job on the night shift.
So dont be surprised if your days a bit longer tomorrow.

Why is a circle clever?
Because it has 360 degrees.

I went to PC world today.
Most of the staff were people of colour and I was behind a differently abled gentleman in the queue.

2 pebbles sitting on a beach, 1st one says to the other "are you married" the 2nd one replies "no im shingle"

I got called to the school last week, as apparently my son had used the 'n' word several times.
Once I got him home, I had a quiet word with him about it.
I told him, "How many times, you never say never."

Just seen on the side of a van "Robert and Robert Painters and Decorators"
Sounds a bit of a two bob outfit to me.

I brought back a large stone from Ireland as a souvenir but it's turned out to be something else.
It's a sham rock.