I've decided to get an ear ring.
Getting a job in a noisy environment should do the trick.

I work in a advertising agency and recently had my salary doubled due to my success at promoting various clients and their wares.
Hype raise indeed..

If there is a god he took the Mick out of my family. Not that I'm bothered. I have bad memories of my uncle Michael and his magic sausage.

MSN News: An Elvis convention was abandoned after a small earthquake injured several impersonators.
Witnesses were said to be 'all shook up'.

I was paying for some beers, and the attractive cashier asked me to double-bag it.
After a somewhat unfortunate misunderstanding, I was released on bail.

Grave robbing.
It's an underground workforce.

Apparently, they made John Prescott a peer.
Based on his size, I'd be surprised if his boat can fit anywhere!

My wife made me the happiest man alive last week.
I said, "That's a lovely gift, but I don't really approve of genetic engineering."

I used to date the invisible woman.
Now I don't know what I ever saw in her.

My Neighbour El, recently lost her family in a brutal murder. It was kind of awkward when the police turned up at her door and said,
"'Ello El"

I love it when she whispers sweet nothings into my ear, like "Aspartame".

A cow tried to fight me the other day.
But I made mincemeat of it.

I think I'm going to hang myself later.
That self portrait I had done is going to look great above the fireplace.

You can say what you like about the surgeon in the human centipede but he was clearly only trying to make ends meet.

Peter Andre is "still tortured by Katie Price split"?
I can sympathise, I feel sick just thinking about her split.

I just walked up to a girl and asked her to make me a sandwich with all the fillings.
She just swore at me.
That's the last time i go to subway.

I sometimes wish I was a wizard, if only for a spell.

I heard that chickens actually descended from dinosaurs.
They must've had fun sliding down its tail.

Every time the wife tried to start a big arguement with me I said nothing, and just played music to her instead.
I'm not saying it was the only reason we split up but it was definitely instrumental.

I'm not inclined to go uphill.

As I boarded the plane, I thought to myself,
'I should have paid more attention in woodwork at school'

My German mate just bashed out a ten second rendition of "In The Hall Of The Mountain King".
He never could resist a Blitzgrieg.

I've finally conquered my biggest fear of driving down
a one way street.
There's no going back now.

A Photon walked into a hotel today, he went to the counter and asked for a room - the hotelier replied 'certainly sir, do you want me to take your bags?' The photon replied 'No thanks... I'm travelling light'

My glove puppetry skills were getting rusty. So I got my puppets out for an hour's session.
I like to keep my hand in.