I have just started dating an escape artist.
She's brilliant in the sack.

I'm currently reading a pullout about alternative contraceptive methods.

When I was a kid "birthday beats" meant you were gonna get punched, now it just means that your parents bought you some new headphones.

Nine men are on trial for grooming...
But only one will walk away with the beautician's job.

My doctor doesn't like musicians.
He wouldn't see sick steve.

No rest for the wicked.
Probably why I is got insomnia, innit.

Whenever the wife gets mouthy I hit her with a skate.
It keeps her inline.

Just heard good some news the lead singer from D:ream has got over his bankrupcy and is now opening a little italian pastry shop!
Things Cannoli get better!

Lord, I am truly thankful for this bowl of noodles I am about to eat.
Ramen.

I found out this kid had been coming into my shop and stealing milk.
I was outraged.
I mean,
how dairy?

I joined The Body Parts Dating Agency last week, but it's been closed down due to safety concerns.
You could take someone's eye out.

I like throwing coins at Metathesiophobics.
They don't like change.

I like to go out in my horse costume and try it on with the ladies.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad are you at reading music?

I walked into a jazz club last night.
It was a bit too clicky.

Well, your honour, I think the nuns should have made it clearer when they said they were looking for a missionary position.

So the Onion says to the Garlic "Hey Love, why dont you take your cloves off."

Apple are bringing out a card shuffling device for poker enthusiasts, which will be iDeal.

What do you call a guy who owns a brothel?
Humphrey.

I like my women like my GCSE results..... D graded.

I got a Brazilian the other day.
Young Alberto will be raised to be a wonderful rent boy.

I have worked hard through tough times at a vegetable company, so my boss gave me a celery increase.

I've upgraded my dictionary to high definition.

I was round at my mates house for his annual fancy dress party last night
next year I'm gonna go as a triangle

I was supposed to be having my appendix out today but after all the tests they've told me it was a false alarm.
I don't even remember eating one.