My wife makes brilliant coffee.
She's got it right down to a tee.

There are plenty of benefits of driving home in the dark,
now I don't have to put up with those awkward moments when I pull up to a traffic light and catch the woman sitting next to me staring right into the car.
Whilst I pick my nose.

I needed a new look so I tried on a straitjacket.
But then I realised, I couldn't pull it off.

Start my new job as a contortionist today.
I only got the job on account of me being flexible.

To me, 'Judicious' isn't a legal term.
It's why women wear Washing-Up gloves.

I was waiting at the bar at a fancy dress disco last night, when two people dressed as the letter 'P' and 'R' tried to get in front of me.
I said "Do you not realise there's a queue?".

My mate has been impossibly demanding since he got a job as a maths teacher.
I guess there's just no pleasing sum people.

Loads of people's Facebook statuses have been about how they are watching the Pride of Britain Awards with a box of tissues.
I turned it on, and there weren't any fit women.

A friend of mine bet me 50 that I would not go into our local bank dressed as Father Christmas.
It was a Santadare.

A friend of mine bet me 50 that I would not go into our local bank dressed as Father Christmas.
It was a Santadare.

As a teenager I was never hung very well. I blame my parents.
They could never tie the noose tight enough and I'd always slip through.

I sent my wife away for a weekend in Paris.
I hope I put enough postage on the crate.

I've just found out that pigeons get migraines.
That's the last time I buy my scarecrow from poundstretcher.

My wife was giving me oral last night,when all of a sudden she vomited everywhere.
It was a sickening blow.

My girlfriend asked me what my perfect date would be. Without a doubt i said
Wrinkly on the outside and dark brownish and quite soft and chewy in the inside.
Don't think she'll be living up to those standards any time soon

My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said "Why?" and she said "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already".

Went to see a medium last night, left me feeling average.

I asked my Irish mate what he thought about the population of the Irish capital now being twice the size.
'Ahhh yes, typical doublin' he replied.

My daughter keeps giving me the come on.
Same time each month.

I bet my friend I could erect a building in a week.
I put my house on it.

I was playing darts in the pub last night and hit a double with my last shot.
The barman threw me out for throwing my drinks around.

Not sure why so many people saying Blackberry not working.
I've just looked on Halle Berry's profile on IMDb and she's got 2 films coming out soon and 1 for next year.

My friend Ray has this rare cyst that can only occur on members of the Caucasian race.
It's Ray's cyst.

Me and my girlfriend met whilst working at a plastic-wrap factory.
I had to end it though, she was far too clingy.

You don't understand the superiority theory like I do.