My wife asked if i could go on top tonight because she wanted a change.
I love London double decker buses.

Never give a midget a yoyo. It doesnt go down too well.

I was walking along the street yesterday when I saw a zebra crossing.
I thought, 'That must have escaped from the zoo.'

I've just raced two headless chickens...
It was neck and neck.

My French boss never thanks me for anything.
He's merciless.

Mr Potato head's son came over to fix my bed yesterday.
He's a chippie.

I shouldn't have got Patrick Swayze to redesign the nursery.
He's put the cot right in the middle of the room.

I was rushed into hospital last week when my xbox blew up in my face.
I suffered 360 degree burns.

I have spent all weekend trying to catch up with my washing.
These 50mph winds are a nightmare.

I saw Francis Rossi busking the other day so I stopped to listen. When he finished he said 'That'll be a pound please mate'.
I thought, 'Fair enough, quid pro quo and all that'.

Just going to watch my spotty teenage son playing football with other spotty teenagers against a team of more spotty teenagers.
Yep... Off to Acne Marshes.

Harry Coover, the inventor of SuperGlue died today.
Apparently the funeral will a huge affair as he bonded with many people.
I just hope they all adhere to the dress code, and no one wears anything tacky.

There is one key difference between a single lock and a double lock.

I've had my fair share of illegal highs.
im a midget and often visit theme parks.

Yorkshire demolition experts. Always looking for t'rubble.

Hey, did you know that if you rearrange the letters of 'Tescos'...
... you'll get kicked off the premises.

Me and the wife are going through a trial separation.
It all started when I was held on remand.

When I was younger my parents always told me if I was good Santa would come, however I didn't realise they meant on my face

As I looked down at my father in his casket, I wondered if he was happy at the time of his death. It was hard to tell, though.
Stiff upper lip.

Well, I've seen the lot now.
And after viewing it, I decided it wasn't worth bidding for.

I was looking for something to sit on, but I haven't thought of anything sofa.

I've just heard that Norman Wisdom is dead.
William the Conqueror must be turning in his grave...

I found out I was a convict in my past life.
I was shocked.

The bouncers refused my son entry into the local night club because they said he looked like a minor.
Mind you, i told him the moleskins, davy lamp, safety helmet and pick axe were a bit of a giveaway.

When making love, I prefer the missionary position.
I think it's the starving Africans that do it for me.