I think later I will be suffering from either constipation or diarrhoea.
I have no medical basis for this. Just a gut feeling.

Breaking News: "Probe As Woman's Body Found In Brook"
A little insensitive to start abusing her body already.

I had a lovely bubble and squeak earlier ...
Perhaps in the bath with the wife wasn't the best of timing.

I've got myself a job as a primary school caretaker.
I don't know about the care bit, but I'm definitely taking one of them.

How can someone who doesn't know what the word what means, ask someone about what the word what means ?

I've just been to the shop for a paper, I asked the bloke, 'Can I have a Sunderland Echo please?', and he shouted 'SUNDERLAND!... Sunderland... Sunderland.'

The girlfriend and I were spooning the other day when she suggested trying something different.
Apparently knifing her wasn't what she meant.

Imagine my horror.
You'll have to. I can't be bothered writing a scary story.

Broke the lift at work today
Didn't go down well

I like my girlfriends how I like Real Madrid against F.C. Barcelona.
Five, Down.

BBC News: England draw Aussies in World Cup
They were, however, disqualified for being unable to colour within the lines.

My ex-girl said I was an 'immature creep'.
One day I'll prove to her I really am Spiderman.

I ordered an Indian last night. I was told the delivery may take 5 days but that she comes with a free nan.

I've just heard a heavy blanket of snow is going to cover the whole of Europe.
Sounds more like a continental quilt to me.

I got taken to prison today and was given a cavity search
I tried telling the guy my teeth are in perfect condition but he wouldn't listen

The Second Coming of Christ: Not as impressive as the first, but he still managed to get some in her hair.

Just been peeling potatoes with my wife.
I'll be better using a knife next time.

I was in a shop the other day looking for a new computer when my son said,
"Hey dad, we should get a white computer, they're all better than the black ones!"
I said, "Son, you can't go round saying that, we're in a PC World."

Did you hear about the man who got a cushy job in a watch factory?
He just stood around all day making faces.

After watching BBC's Stargazing, I realised I have to buy a telescope.
But the prices are astronomical.

Customer service at my local McDonald's is far better since they had that straw Pole.
She puts out sugar and serviettes as well.

My mate said to me that he thought his new underpants were a bit holey,
I said "yea I can see where your coming from"

If not caring about accuracy is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Just got a new job as a professional referee. So my mate bought me a whistle as a gift.
First day I blew it.

One day my wife will get the better of me but until I lay off the stella she probably won't.