Caught my Sister masturbating today.
Bit unhygienic in a hospital ward really.

What's round and sounds like a trumpet?
a crumpet.

The daffodil represents Wales.
Does this make the Welsh narcissistic?

I was adopted, so my parents are relative strangers.

A man was beaten to death by rival gang members after taking a wrong turn.
It was a nasty way to go.

I saw a Jamaican guy with dreadlocks in the street earlier. He was smoking a huge joint and shouting out, "Death to the Jews! End the welfare state!"
Yeah man. Rastafaright.

Moat lost his game of Russian raoulette.

Self-referential humour isn't as funny as I think it is.

I had to let someone go at work today.
So they sacked me from the Mountain Rescue team.

BBC News: One in five say Obama, muslim.
The other four thinks he should put on weight to become a true American.

I was flying over scotIand and was confused with where my hand luggage should go, Luckily for me a friendly libyan helped me and put it in locker B

Two chromosomes walk up to a night club but the doorman said "Sorry, no genes."

Eternity is a terrible thought - I mean where's it all going to end?

I had to give up composing recently, due to my bad Bach.

I hate living on the edge...
But thats coastal erosion for you.

Chlamydia. Spread the word.

I was driving round aimlessly earlier when I thought I fancied a McDonald's. Just at that exact moment I saw a big illuminated golden M.
It must have been a sign.

My mate told me last night that he won a darts match with a double 25.
But I think he's talking bull.

"Couple are jailed over abuse of Young Boys"
I heard plenty of Tottenham fans giving them abuse the other week, I dont see them being jailed.

"21 die in Venezuela crash" and this is why we do not want that annoying plastic trumpet in our stadiums...

My new guitar strings came today...
...and left a nasty white stain on my guitar...

Gordon Brown was the best prime minister to ever run the United Kingdom.
Did i say run? I meant ruin. Ironic how much difference one "I" can make isn't it Gordon?

Shaun Wright-Phillips is the only number I have left in my little black book since Gary Coleman died.

My wife just found a website about the origins of the World Wide Web, detailing how it was started all those years ago. Now she wont speak to me.
I knew the Internet History would get me in trouble eventually

Me and the wife have bought a new bed made out of sandpaper.
We've been going through a rough time.