Yesterday,I bought loads and loads of women's body spray that I'm sure I'll never use.
It was an Impulse buy.

12 people have been killed in a shooting at a Batman film premiere in the US city of Denver.
"Any chance of showing us the red carpet?"

I'm sick of getting the same shift's every week in my job as a CB operator.
10-4.

I've just carved myself a miniature Cthulhu out of wood.
Love crafting.

At first I was sceptical about high fiving Abu Hamza.
Now I'm hooked.

What is yellow and white, and throws itself off the edge of the dining table?
A lemming meringue.

A bloke walks into a bar looking glum.
The barman asks; 'Whats up fella?'
'All my mates are off bobsleighing.' Replies the man.
'You upset they did'nt ask you?' enquires the barman.
'No,' says the man sadly.
'I'm Bob.'

Racist Swingers.
They love it when a Klan comes together.

Fifteen shop stewards were killed in a bus crash the other day.
They cried in Unison.

My mother can be very cynical. The other day I told her I was going to open a Traditional Refurbished or Otherwise Used Battery Lamp Emporium.
All she said to me was "that spells trouble".

My best friend told me to go for it and bury the hatchet with my wife.
So we sat down and had some clear the air talks and everything is great now.
What were you thinking?

Sickipedia has made me understand. I thought my wife left me because I enjoyed getting my toe nails done by a professional. She would ask me where I had been, and I would say, "I was taking care my pedi-file needs downtown with this sweet young asian girl."

Female vicars.
Are they birds of pray?

How does an Irish psychologist like his eggs?
Freud

Kane Middleton, a 13 year old paperboy in Bedfordshire, who earns 6.53 per week has been made redundant.
I would just like to say that if young Kane would like to make some more money, he can come around my house and help me with my little puppies.

Blind man's buff.
He doesn't know it though.

I've recently become a member of a Nigerian philosophy group.
We all meet up once a month and swap ID's

Gillete: The best a klan can get.

The wife has bet me 500 pound that I can't cross the river Thames without getting my feet wet whilst wearing a straw boater. Gotta be worth a punt.

I'm really confused. I bought a home grow kit from Amsterdam and after following all the instructions nothing grew.
It just doesn't make sensi.

My mate almost achieved his life-long ambition of eating every Cadbury's chocolate bar in one sitting.
He was so close, just a Whisper away.

I went to work with a clock on my waist and I actually arrived early.
Time was on my side.

My wife's not very good when it comes to flying.
I noticed that when I pushed her off the cliff.

I was asked to answer the following question: "Which word contains as many consonants and as few vowels as possible?"
I had to use strength for that one.

I told a joke about the Polish Plane disaster at work today.
It didn't go down well.