i was mortified the other day when i found out my 14 year old daughter had been clubbing
mind you the wife loves her new coat

There's this bloke at work who is constantly abusive to all my colleagues and act's like he's 10 men.
I work in a psychiatric unit.

I was playing poker with my mate and he kept folding.
Wish he would stop the origami while playing cards.

The doctor was concerned about the problems I was having with my foot long after it was cut really badly.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr Thompson", he said with a heavy sigh..
"But if you spill any more mayo on my carpet, I'm going to ban you from my surgery."

I wish Germany would leave poor Greece a loan.

I lost my bottle doing a Bungee jump yesterday.
I probably shouldn't have been drinking anyway.

I never realised there was guy from Newcastle in the Spain team.
In fact that Geordie Alba was very impressive.

Having tourettes is nothing to shout about.

I got fired from my job in the dairy factory.
I kept getting in the whey.

I've just had a quick lesson on how to use a horn
It was a tootorial.

My friends say the fact that my wife is a gold digger is bad, but I love it.
She's away all day in those mines.

Got a letter in the post telling me my credit card bill is "outstanding". It's always nice to receive compliments.

Bulimics of the world, uneat!

My brother was so surprised when I told him he had a hairy forehead . . . He certainly raised a few eyebrows.

If i hear one more pancake joke im gonna flip.

Ever get a shock from your car door? Mine just told me I'm adopted.

How do you avoid a scandal on the beach ?
Don't let the sea get into your sandal.

The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography

I have not slept for three nights running.
Which is odd, as I am usually shattered after three nights running.

'Cipriani signs for Sale'
Who is going to want to buy a sign with him on??

Sir John Major has said that he is looking forward to the release of a sequel to 'The Iron Lady'.
If Thatcher's still alive by the time they have finished filming it, they can call it 'The Never Ending Tory'.

Although I've enjoyed the last eighteen years of work, calibrating the nudge function of pub fruit machines..
I've put my career on hold for a while.

I was telling my mate, "My son became like a vampire when he reached his teens."
"Why?" he asked. "Is he a pain in the neck and sleeps all day?"
"No," I replied. "Hes dead."

Me and my mate were trying to convince two hot birds we weren't builders but in the end the cracks were showing.

My new peregrine falcon caught worms,
so I swapped it for a properly trained one.