What do you call a paedophile who thinks secondary school kids are too old?
A primary suspect.

I like to have a nice warm bowl of fabric softener whenever I feel ill.
Comfort food.

Why did the person who invented Microsoft Powerpoint cross the road?
To get to the other slide.

I'm part of the Warburtons family because I'm inter-bread.

A couple of my mates lost their jobs at the bingo hall...
Unlucky for some.

My sister called me today to tell me about my new born niece, and told me that they'd decided to name her Courage.
I thought, "that's brave."

An ant just crawled under my keyboard. But I have it under ctrl.

My mate just told me he's moving to Bel Air...
What a Bel Air'nd.

I had to quit my job as a comedic fashion designer.
I didn't have enough material.

What do you call a crossdressing dinosaur?
Trannysourus rex.

I bought a pair of shoes with a built-in iPod but I could only walk extremely slowly.
Then I realised I had it on shuffle.

Keep getting caught speeding in 30mph zones.
They're clearly not my forte.

I was in a playground and got hit in the eye with a swing.
Now I see sore.

I recently lost my job in a shoe shop for accidentally causing a fire.
It was sole destroying.

I was deep in thought this morning.
Then i realised, Thought is a stupid name for a cat.

A woman kept bugging me in town to buy some singing lessons.
I have to admit, She had an impressive pitch.

Our local chemist stopped selling Strepsils
They will be sorely missed

Having to mark GCSE papers from a comprehensive school, where everybody always scores lower than a C, is very degrading.

I've told all my friends I have a hot date tonight.
It sounds better than saying ''I'm eating warm fruit''

I just took a pound into Poundstretchers
I came out with a Pooouuund

Just watched Interview with the Vampire, I'm confused.
Did he get the job?

All the small local Pizza companies have been forced to shut down.
It's the Domino's Effect.

Take a tip from me.
I've got loads, but only one snooker cue.

I saw this guy who held a heart in his hand that seemed to talk.
I think he was a ventricleoquist.

I told my girlfriend that for our joint christmas present i think we should go and see europe,she seems far more excited than i thought,afterall the only song she knows is the final countdown..weird