One of my chairs is missing a leg, and it's not sitting very well with me.

A three story building is much better than a two storey building.
Hang on, there's a floor in that argument.

B&Q are next years official sponser for the Premier League.
They've got everything! Except Hammers.

I fell asleep on my mobile phone last night. As it turns out, I'd downloaded a nap.

Who does Gary Numan want to be when he grows up?
Gary Oldman.

My son had a few of his mates round tonight for a sleepover, and I noticed they were telling some ghost stories.
It was really scary stuff as well.
I never knew there was a ghost in our house.

I went to blockbuster earlier to see if I could get superman returns
They said that's fine, as long as I've got a reciept

I'm getting increasingly angry at my wife moaning about my obsession with sampling new spirits.
One day I'm going to try tequila.

I think my accent is too posh. I told the Waiter in an Indian Restaurant that I didn't want too much spice so he moved me to a cramped table in the corner.

Went to see a comedian this evening, he started making jokes about it being the summer solstice... That's when I knew it was going to be a long night

I just walked past my bookcase and heard it say "Whoa! I can hold stuff!"
It was a moment of shelf awareness.

I read a twelve page book about the war the other day. I think it was Abridged Too Far.

I've just been offered a job replacing a guy named Teddy for two months while he's away.
I'm Tempted.

I'm attracted to magnets.

I hope Alicia's going to look after her Dad, now he's unemployed.

Ignorance can be fixed with a book. Stupidity requires a shotgun and a shovel.

BBC News: 'Woman Jailed After Killing Man With A Single Punch'.
He was obviously not a very big drinker.

Today my doctor hit my knee with a hammer and made it jerk.
The nerve.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To mark the spot where his brother was killed.

I've finally figured out the rules of American Football.
They toss a 25 cent coin in the air and the rest of the game is spent trying to get the quarterback.

As I looked down at my wife in her coffin wearing her halterneck top, skinny jeans and high heels, I thought:
'She always was fashionably late.'

I went to the Royal Albert Hall once, but it was full of push-chairs,
It was Last Night of the Prams.

bought a couple of cheap railway buffers today at the end of the line sale

While Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin made one giant leap for makind, Michael Collins was orbiting in the command module, though he never regretted being the forgotten man.
He was over the moon.

I desperately needed to be on time, or else my boss would kill me.
So I stood on a clock.