Surely Justin Bieber's new movie should just be called "Say"?

It was mildly amusing at the special Olympics when the blind cheerleaders chanted ...
Give me an - I -

I entered a 20,000 draw today...
The owner of the antique furniture shop was furious.

I just made some new brake pads for my bike out of strips of dried and seasoned beef.
Stops the bike fine, bit jerky though.

Being reincarnated as a female deer was not my best moment, in hind sight.

My mates and I were deciding which one of us was going to steal New York's tallest statue.
Anyone could have done it but in the end I took the Liberty.

I love it when the clocks go forward.
It's the BST!

In 'hindsight' maybe learning the bullet catch trick first, instead of just deciding to bite the bullet would have been a good idea.

Went Salsa dancing last night.
Anyone know how to get tomato stains out of a suit?

I beat my personal best last night: pulled 5 times.
Then I came. I've really made my masturbation efficient.

I had had a long distance break up last night.
It's a far cry from what I'm used to.

I just had an email from a Chinaman asking if I want to buy a boat.
It went straight into my junk folder.

I was awoken this morning by the wife humming.
I think she really needs to take more showers.

I walked a bird home from the pub last night and when we got to her door she asked "Can I interest you in a night cap?"
"No, thank you" I replied "I don't wear them".

I rang the emergency services when my son got stuck down a drain.
The operator said, "Can I speak to him? Just put the phone down".
There's no sign of an ambulance and it's been almost twelve hours.

I'm moving out of my caravan so I've put it on the market.
A guy just tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, mate. My fruit and veg stall is supposed to go there."

I work at a trampoline factory and I've just been promoted to store manager.
I knew I could reach new heights in this job

".......... the Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we"
They can't be that common if they live in Wimbledon.

The Facebook Group "LIKE If you have a friend you can call a sister or a brother" has over 20,000 likes
I wasn't aware there were so many hermaphrodites around?

Where do Iranians kiss at Christmas time?
Under the missiletoe.

I've just killed my poor wife Sally. I was listening to The Commitments on the radio and the next thing I know, she's hanging from a noose from the attic door.
I'll never listen to Mustang Sally again.

As I left my house this morning, I was bombarded with a white, powdery condiment, and was quite seriously harmed.
I thought, 'Surely this is some form of a salt?'

My sister bought some everlasting gobstoppers yesterday.
I thought it was a con at first, but when she choked to death on one it lasted the rest of her life.

I'm moving to Israel for six months but I've decided not to take my dog with me.
I'd be too scared he might catch rabbi's.

I was fishing one morning when a beautiful woman caught my eye.
I said, "Excuse me love, can I have my eye back?"