You don't understand the superiority theory like I do.

Just heard a song on the radio that went "There's panic in the streets of Telos, there's panic in the streets of Alderaan".
I think it was by The Siths.

I've recently contracted a painful STD from a pokemon.
It's a Bulbous Sore.

On Friday nights , instead of going to clubs , my friends and i hang out at the hospital's orthopaedic ward . It's a hip joint .

Chaka Demus & Pliers. Great reggae act, terrible firm of solicitors.

My mate said to me, "I want you to use your car as an escape vehicle while I rob a bank."
I said, "Get away!"

I have an excellent sleeping pattern.
But then again, I do knit my own pyjamas.

My wife told me the other day that she was 'feeling old fashioned' and 'not cool anymore'
Soo i stuck her in an american fridge.

Generally I'm pretty vague

I came home early from work yesterday to find my wife in bed with another woman.
That would have made my day.

I want my horse's funeral to be appropriately grandiose. Does anyone know how to contact the Archbishop of Canter Bury?

People say I couldn't hurt a fly,
Well only if I forgot the lube.

My wife had a right go at me this morning - she said, 'You always lie, you always build my hopes up and you ALWAYS do the complete opposite to what you say you're gonna do. You'll never get anywhere in life!' The jokes on her though, I nailed my interview for student finance yesterday

I've considered changing my career from working at the neckwear store, i'm just a little tied down though.

BBC NEWS: Amy Winehouse died from alcohol withdrawl.
I belive we have discovered the definition of irony.

I've found it's a lot easier to pick up women since I've been on the steds.

The wife is always under my feet
It's my fault for burying her beneath the floor.

I'm being sued for forcing my girlfriends to change their names to ridiculous things. I'm hoping to get off with Insanity.

As I pulled up to the scene I saw my son's bike lying disfigured in the road, my heart sank
That bike cost hundred quid.

I went and brought Peat up from the shops today.
I never knew how expensive it would be for a bag compost.

"Dad, I'm pregnant".
"What! Don't you have any scruples?"
"Yes, but I forgot to take them".

BBC News: Fire exchanged near Korea border.
I wonder what they exchanged it for.

My mate is a virgin with Syphilis.
Is that a Poxymoron?

I started a fight with a black man the other day by giving him some racist abuse.
"Do you want to take this to court?" He asked.
"No mate, I'm better at offending people than playing tennis" I replied.

I did some fundraising for my local zoo yesterday but no one gave a monkeys