My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said "Why?" and she said "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already".

My girlfriend asked me what my perfect date would be. Without a doubt i said
Wrinkly on the outside and dark brownish and quite soft and chewy in the inside.
Don't think she'll be living up to those standards any time soon

My wife was giving me oral last night,when all of a sudden she vomited everywhere.
It was a sickening blow.

I've just found out that pigeons get migraines.
That's the last time I buy my scarecrow from poundstretcher.

I sent my wife away for a weekend in Paris.
I hope I put enough postage on the crate.

As a teenager I was never hung very well. I blame my parents.
They could never tie the noose tight enough and I'd always slip through.

A friend of mine bet me 50 that I would not go into our local bank dressed as Father Christmas.
It was a Santadare.

A friend of mine bet me 50 that I would not go into our local bank dressed as Father Christmas.
It was a Santadare.

I bought a blue cactus the other day, something is definitely wrong with it, but i just can't put my finger on it.....

After the recession hit, I invested all my money in Jodrell Bank.
The interest isn't great but their call centre is out of this world.

So what if it's blowing a gale outside?
I'm off to the brothel for Gail to blow me!

If your looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "so" and "what".

One of my biggest fears in life is the unknown.
Just like........ Uhm.............

My mates wife's car got clamped last night. A friend asked where. "Around the wheel, obviously" came the reply.

I had almost finished repairing my antique clock when I gave up. I just couldn't face it.

Smoked bacon....
My vision went streaky

I had a tough decision to make at the hairdresser's the other day. I'm a huge Pulp Fiction fan and was umming and ahhing about whether to go for hair like John Travolta's, or something more like Samuel L Jackson's.
The barber suggested I just go with the 'fro.

Powdered foods just aren't my Cup a soup

My local electrical store has such a dated selection of iPods.
They're so out of touch.

Shakespeare hated hugging.
He was a no holds bard.

I did some fundraising for my local zoo yesterday but no one gave a monkeys

I started a fight with a black man the other day by giving him some racist abuse.
"Do you want to take this to court?" He asked.
"No mate, I'm better at offending people than playing tennis" I replied.

My mate is a virgin with Syphilis.
Is that a Poxymoron?

BBC News: Fire exchanged near Korea border.
I wonder what they exchanged it for.

"Dad, I'm pregnant".
"What! Don't you have any scruples?"
"Yes, but I forgot to take them".