I tried to storm a Taliban base but failed. I don't know which move I did wrong in the rain dance.

I'm into Egyptian roleplay in the bedroom.
My wife dresses up as Cleopatra and gives off distinct Pharoahmones.

My grandfather bit the dust while going down on grandma.

I have a lot of emotional baggage
Whenever I go to the airport security say "Why is that suitcase crying?"

Did you hear about Robin Hood's house?
It has a little John.

Mirrors only work if you're looking into them.
Let's face it.

Ironically all the haemorrhoid books at the local library are stacked in piles.

I've just broke up with my optometrist girlfriend.
She was two-eye maintenance.

My son was always forgetting punctuation at the end of sentences.
I soon put a stop to it.

I was masturbating last night.
But now I have become an adult, my letters come addressed to Mr.Bating.

I could have sworn I had a swear jar round here somewhere.

I crashed on my way to work this morning. I blame it on my new supervisor.
It was blocking most of my view from the windscreen.

I got fired from my quality control job at the Tartan factory.
I refused to double check my work.

I'm not normally one for double negatives,
but when it comes to photos of your daughter in the bath, they're a must.

esarhp
It's just a turn of phrase.

My mate just told me he's off to stay in an apartment in the Middle East.
"Dubai?" I asked.
"No" he replied "just renting".

I saw a group of girls out last night wearing pink cowboy hats and matching T shirts.
At first I thought it was a hen night but as I got closer I realised it was actually a pig night.

Got bought a new pair of shoes for my birthday but they're like a couple of dead epileptics..
They don't fit.

Books about physical attraction towards both male and female are hard to come bi.

I understand the Chilean mine was once involved in a takeover bid by a company called Neilson.
Shame it never happened. I could make a killing with my 'Free Neilson Minedweller' t-shirts.

I've invested in a company who claimed they could get potatoes skinless in minutes but ended up losing a fortune.
It sounded appealing at the time.

My brother used to be a gangsta rapper.
He once covered Ronnie Kray in cling film.

Marriage is just not very important in my book.
That's why I omitted mine from my autobiography.

The only thing I could manage to sell on e-Bay was my car ignition.
It's a start.

When people ask what I do I tell them im a stock taker.
Sounds better than saying im a thief