Two people from my local church came to my door today but this time they weren't trying to convert me..
They were advertising a new gym,
Jehovah's fitness.

I was watching Don King ordering his contractors to suspend a boxing ring in mid air using four cranes when I suddenly thought to myself...........Hang a bout?

I entered a contest to see who could draw the most slight and straight line down the near edge of an A4 sheet of paper.
I won, but just by the faintest of margins.

I hate the smoke ban in pubs and clubs across England, it's affected me more than your average bloke.
I'm a magician and everybody can see my tricks.

God knows why I ordered my new bathroom from an iphone app.
Four weeks later and sink still in progress

BBC NEWS: "Heskey to miss next 4 games over knee injury"
Once again we find the words "Heskey" and "miss" in the same sentence...

The good old Amercian 'G.I.' .. "Gee I didn't mean to kill your hostage"

Got stuck on a question earlier:
If a schizophrenic has 24 sweets & he shares them equally with a spastic, how many each will they get?
I never could do mental maths.

I never really got "Masters of the Universe."
But then again, I hadn't even done a Bachelors of the Universe.

On firework night, I ate some green salad to go with my burger
but it exploded in my face.....Too much rocket.

I'm totally opposed to child labour.
If children start forming political parties, it might be the end of cheap trainers.

There's a doctor at my hospital who's obsessed with Fawlty Towers.
Every time he walks onto a ward he asks, "Is this man well?"

I've just checked the BBC Weather Forecast, and it said 'UK Summary'.
Which is surprising, considering it's November.

Well, my wife should be on the plane about now.
She's taking an inch off the bottom of the kitchen door.

I saw my dad down on his allotment yesterday. He was telling me hed had an overwhelming urge to pick this pungent herb, he was growing.
Then he said he did it again, then again. He said, it went on and on, just couldnt stop.
I thought, hes got far too much thyme on his hands.

September 11 was the result the worst computer virus ever seen. Ive never seen a crash of windows like it.

I always used to enjoy the occasional chocolate brownie, which was all well and good, until Childline found out.

Raising pigs, pretty boaring work if you ask me.

My best mate is a taxidermist. He really knows his stuff.

SKY News: "Madeleine mum prays for daughter's abductors".
Kate, you little minx.

I was trying to convince my best mate that arrow-construction was easy.
The wooden shaft I made was a bit flimsy. But I think I made my point well.

I don't get Sickipedia jokes.
My black slave gets them for me.

I've just cast my vote and I'm confident I've made the right decision. They've been seen to be tough on blacks and that's good enough for me.
Yup, Cheryl Cole got my backing for the FHM awards.

Since the start of the recession I've been trying to make every penny count.
They still haven't learned.

Before i went on my two week cruise my friend wrote down some advice about sailing,
I took it all on board.