Disobedient wife?
There's a slapp for that

I was delighted to see Italy get knocked out of the World Cup.
Teaches them for getting Lippi!

I was walking along, when I happened to come across an entire Greek army reading books.
I thought to myself, "Wow... they're smartans."

I've got a date for tomorrow,
08-07-10.

Some people walk barefoot on cold winter mornings.
Give credit where it's dew.

My dog, Rover, talks in his sleep. He keeps claiming my wife's been having an affair.
I'm not worried, though; everyone knows sleeping dogs lie.

My dog, Rover, talks in his sleep. He keeps claiming my wife's been having an affair.
I'm not worried, though; everyone knows sleeping dogs lie.

Do women understand ironic humour better than other types because it has iron in it?

I'm cooking pasta. When the herbs go in is just a matter of thyme.

I took my blind girlfriend to see one of those old, silent comedy films the other day, just as a joke.
She didn't see the humour in it.

I left a floater in the pool at the weekend.
I was never cut out to be a lifeguard.

I've got a really exaggerated tic.
You should see the state of a questionnaire when I've finished with it.

I lost my job as a food taster.
I just had too much on my plate.

My pet snake is very good at grammar.
Mind you, he is an articulated python.

My 2 year old son has just started doing bird impressions.
He sits in the garden eating worms.

I was fed up of getting leaflets advertising all the local businesses special offers posted through my door, so I put a '' NO FLYERS'' sign up.
On my doorstep this morning I found two penguins, three emus and an ostrich.

I rang up the AA, and said 'can I have an itemised bill?'
He said 'we don't do breakdowns'

I was in the gym earlier when I saw a huge guy lifting 450 pounds on the bench press. I figured he must be on steroids, so I said to him 'can you get me some? I'm very much in need.' Next thing I know I'm in bed with his mates sister and thinking that I should have been a bit clearer

I hate, misplaced commas.

Yesterday my wife said nothing compares to you, but todays shes telling me to hit the road jack,
shes changed her tune.

I'm down in the dumps. Oh, I'm not sad, just looking for sandwich toppings.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars and masturbation.
I told her "Whatever, I'm going upstairs for a Han Solo with my Lightsaber."

I went to the beach to check for signs of a tsunami but the coast was clear.

Hey babe, you can call me gamma ray,
Because you're going to get penetrated at the highest level

My wife said to me that she thinks i'm a bit obessive about my job as a horticulturist.
"Where do you think this stems from petal?" I replied.