I was struggling to remember the last meaningful thing I said to my wife.
Then I remembered the time she asked me what the singular of 'dice' was.

If anyone ever sees my nan, she's a bit mental and will often approach you on the street and start getting undressed.
Just bare with her.

Dwarfs who hand out free newspapers in London have low standards.

What do you call a sheep with unmarried parents?
A baaastard.

Went to go and see that new film about an adventurous biscuit.
The Bourbon Supremacy.

Blind drawing,
I can't see myself doing it.

I damaged my car by going too fast over one of those sleeping policeman.
But it was nothing compared to the state of him.

FIFA are to use video goal-line technology in Englands friendly.
A camera will be mounted in the goals and the pictures will be broadcast.
I wonder if it will be on the net.

It seems that the future of South Korea is unclear.
Oops. Misspelt nuclear.

My Dad demanded to know what happened when my little brother tried to make my face into an envelope.
But I couldn't tell him. My lips were sealed.

Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to stand empty pizza boxes upright in a line and knock them over, like they're Dominos.

I failed to sign up my preferred choice for headline act at my new festival.
Guess it's off to Plan B then..

I've realised why I get a sinking feeling when I put on my new footwear.
They're quicksandals.

I phoned the hospital this morning but no one answered.
I had to leave a message on the cancer machine.

Auto-correct on iPhone drives me mad . It's so hard to write a dirty joke when it won't let me swear..
Tucking pile of shot.

I bought an old Snoopy annual at the bookstore.
The wrapper on it said, "May Contain Peanuts".

Two climbers dead on Mont Blanc
Must have been a bad bottle?

I was cleaning my son's room and found thousands of sheets of origami paper under his bed.
I don't know what to make of it.

If you think Florence and The Machine's new song "Spectrum" is good, you want to hear her next one "Commodore 64"

I was paralysed from the waist down after eating a lemon slice.
I'll never buy anything again from Mr Kripling

It's impossible to cook children food.
I can never fit them in the oven.

My history teacher asked me if I ever thought about the present or the past.
I said "Now & then"

"These flowers are dead."
"For now, yes."
"What do you mean, for now?"
"They're reincarnations."

BBC news: Free schools in England set for extra 600m to combat poor maths and English results.
Wow that's nearly 250 million each!

In the pub last night, my girlfriend got half drunk, took off half her clothes & sang half a rude song.
Made a right monocle of herself.