I am going to sneak into NASA, steal a rocket and fly to mars.
Nothing can go wrong, i'm going to planet.

Have you seen the new Twitter page for the National Stalking Clinic?
I followed them.

I hold my cup like a mug.

Why should you never say boo to a meringue?
Because it will eventually come back and hit you in the face.

Just had an email saying 'Time Travel meeting tonight. Starts 1930.'

Clearasil soon regretted moving their factory to London when Hackney disappeared overnight.

I've just spent 15,000 on hiring a contract killer.
It's cheaper than paying the early release fee from Vodafone.

My friend keeps on telling me about the time I glued his hand to a dart.
I said to him, "You can never let it go, can you."

"Mate, can you come over here and help me do the barbie?"
Said Ken.

I've just heard that The clock tower containing Big Ben at the Palace of Westminster, is tilting...
It's suprising, I always thought that tower had time on it's side.

I was about to go on stage and deliver the biggest speech of my career, to help with the nerves I decided to take on the advice that a friend gave me the day before.
"Picture everyone in the crowd naked"
I didn't last 5 minutes as a primary school head master.

Everyone throughout my whole life has called me special. My friends, my family.
If only my mum had a good sense in choosing names.

"I need to go and see a psychiatrist" I said
"Why, what's wrong with you?"
"I think i'm going mad, and losing my sanity."
"I wouldn't worry about it" replied my dog.

The second r in the word 'records' is the second r since records began.

I've just been on an etiquette course run by Aerosmith.
They told me to walk this way, talk this way.

It's impossible to cook children food.
I can never fit them in the oven.

My history teacher asked me if I ever thought about the present or the past.
I said "Now & then"

"These flowers are dead."
"For now, yes."
"What do you mean, for now?"
"They're reincarnations."

ILLEGAL: a sick bird of prey.....

Photogenic people should be shot.

Was in work the other day and some guy came in, pale, skinny withering hair. He had AIDS written all over him.
Strange choice of tattoo I thought.

I walked past 5 black men today playing the guitar, singing and wearing skinny jeans. It was Cameroon 5

On a scale of Juan to Chen who do you hate most Spanish or Chinese people?

I've just booked the lowest price bus journey to Italy you'll ever see
Arriva dirt cheap

Why were 3 Asian university students recently arrested?
For running a math lab.