I woke up as a clown this morning.
I must have slept funny

I've had to adjust my dog's collar three times now, he won't stop fidgeting...
I'm beginning to think he doesn't like this new polo shirt.

Lady vicar caught having an affair with a chef.
The proof - her vest found in his pantry, and his pants found in her vestry.

I like referring to my wife as an inanimate object.
I think nothing of it.

I've just restored an old canon to it's former glory! I can't wait to shoot people I dislike and watch the blinding flash from a safe distance.
Shame its loaded with film and not gun powder.

I've just restored an old canon to it's former glory! I can't wait to shoot people I dislike and watch the blinding flash from a safe distance.
Shame its loaded with film and not gun powder.

I've decided to keep my money in my wifes bra.
It gets more interest that way.

I went to watch the Artists' World Cup Finals recently, but it was a complete waste of time.
It ended in a draw.

I was accused of being condascending to deaf Muslims.
I said, "Listen, Sunni..."

Th
Is there no end to this?

Chile, New Zealand, Vatican City, Swansea.........
Dangerous places to be a miner.
Garry Glitters , Michael Jacksons, Ian Huntleys...............
Dangerous places to be a minor

I can't stand my father in law Ronald. Every time he comes round our house for dinner and he's finished eating,the wife collects his plate and i take great pleasure in saying "Hope you enjoyed that...... more Ron?"

"Any similarities to persons living or dead are entirely coincidental."
The press were less than enthusiastic about my portrait exhibition.

I was sitting in the cafe with my friend having breakfast.
She ate a sausage, one bean, some bacon, one bean, a hash brown, one bean, I looked at her and said,
"Eating disorder?"
She said, "No I like it in this order."

Dad: "Son,you wanna come along to the taylors to get ready for your sister's wedding?"
Son:"No dad."
Dad:"Well suit yourself then."

Last night I went to see The Three Tenors.
Ironically it cost me thirty quid.

My girlfriend just told me I've gone power mad.
I was baffled, all I could say was "Watt?"

I Just brought Lego from play.com but I'm sending it back because it's in pieces.

I just went to the chip shop. It's a small branch of the old block shop.

Diabetes is hereditary. I got it from my sugar daddy.

Explosion in Pi Factory, 3.1415927 Dead.

I got thrown out of The Open at Wentworth earlier.
Apparently, 'Having a lovely touch around the greens' is frowned upon when you're a spectator.

Met a female carpenter the other day.
Ended up nailing her.

I went to a corner shop today.
I don't know why though, I didn't even want to buy a corner.

I was at the airport with some friend's and for a bet I was going to run through customs naked with a gun.
But I couldn't go through with it.