My mate recently survived a bomb blast, he is made of steel...
Plastic and Carbon-fibre

The go-faster stripes in my Aquafresh toothpaste saves me 8 seconds twice a day.

I once wore a small hat for fashion.
I couldn't pull it off.

My mate claims he invented a new bra clip thats benefits men.
It wont catch on.

I was walking through the park today when I seen a man going absolutely mental at his wife. He was jumping up and down, shaking his fists furiously and shouting "I gave you one job to do and you couldn't even do that!! Now there's not enough food for the both of us!!!"
I thought to myself "that guys a few sandwiches short of a picnic"

My business selling replacement lighthouse bulbs has really hit the rocks.

Electric or Gas? Jew decide.

How many dancers does it take to change a lightbulb?
5,6,7,8.

I hated being a vampire, back in the day.

The lads at work said I lack conviction.
"Five years you've been here and not one arrest," one said. "Call yourself a detective."

A Jew's favourite method of transport Israel.

My son asked for a jungle gym for his birthday.
He wasn't impressed when I turned up with a black bloke called James.

I just ordered an Indian.
He starts on Monday.

People say I'm a bad parent because I named my daughter 'Flour'.
It's ok though, she's self raising.

I'm better than my family at everything. They'd think I was really arrogant if I wasn't so good at being modest.

My last night out was like something out of Star Wars.
I met this girl in the pub. I really wanted to Leia, but she wouldn't even give me a Chewie.
So I just went home for a Hand Solo.

My wife lost a little weight for the first time in years.
She can't find her 1kg dumbbell.

My parents always wanted me to be a man of the cloth, so I became a satinist.

This vodka's a lot stronger than I thought. I really need to get in the habit of proofreading.

My grandfather died taking a grenade for the Queen. He was shot by security as he brought it in.

I came last in a hurdles race and I never got over it.
Probably why I came last.

My teenage son came home last night wearing a brand new pair of trainers.
I said to him, "Where did you get them from, I hope you didn't get them from looting?".
No, he replied, "I got them in Hackney."

I hear the looters are particularly fond of stealing Iphone's
At least that will stop them communicating.

Everytime my daughter gets undressed she leaves her bedroom door open about 3 inches.
I find it highly annoying and I don't know why she does it.
I can't get my head around it.

Just saw an indian bloke with a baseball cap on top of his turban.
He looked sikkkh.