I've just come in my pants.
It seemed like a good thing to wear for a barbecue.

I notice they've started using a lot of average speed cameras on motorways recently.
I don't understand though; if they want to catch people why don't they use good ones?

News Headline: "Police save woman trapped in bog."
... we've all been there.

Gravity has been a lot kinder to me than it has to my wife.
She just fell off the roof.

BBC News: Boy released over 'petrol bomb'
They should do this to more students.

Who is Mel London and why do I have to Rim her?

The girlfriend is sick to death of me sitting on the fence during arguments.
At least up there she cant hit me.

Me and my mate spitroasted this brilliant girl the other day.
she cooked well, and tasted delicious.

Recently I was denied entrance into an American nightclub because I was only wearing a singlet.
I thought everyone in America had the right to bare arms.

According to my boss my new work colleague is Eddie Bull.
Which is good to know in case I'm ever peckish.

As I stepped out of my front door I looked around and saw all the heavy rain today has waterlogged the dirt driveway and flooded my front garden!
But I think it's worse outback...

Last night I had a one night stand.
It was my first and last night as a security guard.

I went to see a movie with my mum in 3D today, but I didn't enjoy it.
One of the patients in 3C died and shat all over the place.

There is nothing unhealhy about mentally undressing a beautiful lady.
Unless you're telekinetic.

My great great grandad was the only one who could light a fire in his villiage until he met his match.

Beyonce and Halle Berry
What a NILF sandwich that would be!

The vet's amputation ward went into lockdown yesterday.
The entire wing was cut off.

My granddad was in the RAF during the War.
I think he was killed in India.
I seem to remember my gran saying he fell out of a bomb bay door.

I was telling my mate about a guy who came to me with an idea to improve a county in southern England
He said "Endorse it"
I said "No, In Devon"

During our lunch break my boss came up to me and asked me if I could attend a meeting after the buffet.
I told him I had too much on my plate.

Left my house this morning, and i thought I could see the ginger girl and short kid from Pokemon even though it was foggy!
On closer inspection, it turned out to be just Misty.

I watched a film about sellotape the other day.
It will stick with me forever.

I was waiting for a bus yesterday morning, but kept dropping the food.

I've seen some sickening sights on Comic Relief tonight
Susan Boyle's face to name but one.

My Son was tragically killed in a motor sport accident when his car ended up in a ditch.
It was a comfort when his mates rallied around at the funeral.