Shakespeare hated hugging.
He was a no holds bard.

My local electrical store has such a dated selection of iPods.
They're so out of touch.

Powdered foods just aren't my Cup a soup

I had a tough decision to make at the hairdresser's the other day. I'm a huge Pulp Fiction fan and was umming and ahhing about whether to go for hair like John Travolta's, or something more like Samuel L Jackson's.
The barber suggested I just go with the 'fro.

Smoked bacon....
My vision went streaky

I had almost finished repairing my antique clock when I gave up. I just couldn't face it.

My mates wife's car got clamped last night. A friend asked where. "Around the wheel, obviously" came the reply.

One of my biggest fears in life is the unknown.
Just like........ Uhm.............

If your looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "so" and "what".

So what if it's blowing a gale outside?
I'm off to the brothel for Gail to blow me!

After the recession hit, I invested all my money in Jodrell Bank.
The interest isn't great but their call centre is out of this world.

I bought a blue cactus the other day, something is definitely wrong with it, but i just can't put my finger on it.....

I've just had laser eye surgery.
That should give cyclops from xmen a run for his money

BBC News - Fox challenges foreign aid policy.
Your own policy ideas are fantastic, Mr Fox.

Imaginary numbers are complex.

I was watching some Raw footage the other day
Big Show vs CM Punk

I own a lumberjack business. There's this one guy who wasn't very good with the chainsaw so I gave him the axe.

I own a lumberjack business. There's this one guy who wasn't very good with the chainsaw so I gave him the axe.

I said to my son, "Sit here and don't move. Put these coins under your paper, then shade over them with your pencil"
Went back ten minutes later. Not a trace.

I was getting a quote from a guy to tile my roof. He told me what his plan was.
It went straight over my head

I wish people wouldn't post vegetarian jokes.
They're so Quorny.

Al Qaeda bombs have been found at a saloon, a cattle ranch, and Clint Eastwoods house.
Apparently its an attack on the western world

African boxer Jigaboo Wogchops has just returned to the ring after having both feet amputated due to a horrific accident. So far he has had 12 fights without defeet

My new girlfriend wants me to legally adopt her kids. If this goes any further, I'll have to take steps.

I used to be a reconstructive plastic surgeon, but I just couldn't face it any more.