I went and brought Peat up from the shops today.
I never knew how expensive it would be for a bag compost.

As I pulled up to the scene I saw my son's bike lying disfigured in the road, my heart sank
That bike cost hundred quid.

I'm being sued for forcing my girlfriends to change their names to ridiculous things. I'm hoping to get off with Insanity.

The wife is always under my feet
It's my fault for burying her beneath the floor.

I've found it's a lot easier to pick up women since I've been on the steds.

BBC NEWS: Amy Winehouse died from alcohol withdrawl.
I belive we have discovered the definition of irony.

I've considered changing my career from working at the neckwear store, i'm just a little tied down though.

My wife had a right go at me this morning - she said, 'You always lie, you always build my hopes up and you ALWAYS do the complete opposite to what you say you're gonna do. You'll never get anywhere in life!' The jokes on her though, I nailed my interview for student finance yesterday

People say I couldn't hurt a fly,
Well only if I forgot the lube.

I want my horse's funeral to be appropriately grandiose. Does anyone know how to contact the Archbishop of Canter Bury?

I came home early from work yesterday to find my wife in bed with another woman.
That would have made my day.

Generally I'm pretty vague

I own a lumberjack business. There's this one guy who wasn't very good with the chainsaw so I gave him the axe.

I've just had laser eye surgery.
That should give cyclops from xmen a run for his money

BBC News - Fox challenges foreign aid policy.
Your own policy ideas are fantastic, Mr Fox.

Imaginary numbers are complex.

I was watching some Raw footage the other day
Big Show vs CM Punk

I own a lumberjack business. There's this one guy who wasn't very good with the chainsaw so I gave him the axe.

I said to my son, "Sit here and don't move. Put these coins under your paper, then shade over them with your pencil"
Went back ten minutes later. Not a trace.

I was getting a quote from a guy to tile my roof. He told me what his plan was.
It went straight over my head

I wish people wouldn't post vegetarian jokes.
They're so Quorny.

Al Qaeda bombs have been found at a saloon, a cattle ranch, and Clint Eastwoods house.
Apparently its an attack on the western world

African boxer Jigaboo Wogchops has just returned to the ring after having both feet amputated due to a horrific accident. So far he has had 12 fights without defeet

My new girlfriend wants me to legally adopt her kids. If this goes any further, I'll have to take steps.

I know this bloke who is a good-looking road sweeper.
He scrubs up well.