I've invented a new beer which I'm gonna call "Knowledge".
It can't fail, cos everyones got a thirst for Knowledge........

Horse killed by it's own children.
Police suspect foal play.

Did you know that John Terry has scored 28 times at the Bridge?
Nah, nor did Wayne..

I went on the Kia website and it had a link to, "Find a dealer".
I'm pleased to see that it's not just me that has a healthy lack of respect for drug-driving laws.

I was given a chance to take the Bomb Disposal Team entrance exam.
I blew it.

I was in court recently and got sentenced to death by hanging.
I thought I found a loophole, but it was just a noose.

Sport Relief is Milarious

I was running naked on the beach for a dare and found a stash of money and drugs.
That was a lucky streak.

No wonder the whole of the Conservative Party look anemic, grey and lifeless.
It must have something to do with standing in the shadow of that cabinet.

My PC wasn't working today
Apparently he got arrested for beating up a woman last year

Being a sickipedian, I can't help but jump on the BariumNeodymiumTungsten Silver Nitrate
or BaNdWAgON as it's also known.

After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Don't bother checking how Australia are doing in Group D.
There's no point.

I got sacked from my job at the local pet shop.
I got caught with my hand in the trill.

Just discovered a dubious sore. Best go to a doctor before it turns sceptic.

Noel Coward is a celebrated playwright.
His christian name is French for christmas. His surname is French for soldier.

Before Tuesday's emergency budget, being on the dole had its benefits.

My grandmother always feels cold after finishing a chili naan

My girlfriend has left me because I constantly kept her on a leash.
She was at the end of her tether.

Just sat here watching the sun set.
I think I'll make a moon jelly next.

My best mate thinks that David Villa will be the World Cup top goalscorer by miles, but I still reckon it could be Klose.

My wife said she's leaving me because she's scared of my violent outbursts.
I said, 'Look, when push comes to shove...'

My wife just came home with a wig in her hands.
I said." Where have you been?"
She said." I just popped out to get some fresh hair."

What do you call a Mexican leaving a hospital?
Manuel

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.