I'm having my stag do at the Capcom Comic Convention.
I've heard that there's going to be loads of excited virgins there.

I'm really happy with my new job fitting heating devices into electric kettles.
I'm in my element.

My wife said,"I know we're both overweight, but we need to switch up the pace and spice it up more in the bedroom."
We both compromised, and decided to get the hot salsa instead of the mild.

I told my wife that she had drawn her eyebrows too high,
she looked quite surprised....!

People who show off about their lotion just keep rubbing it in....

3 words on a climbing frame at breaktime...
I've never really understood this wordplay category

I asked a bloke in town how far it was to the train station, he said 'if you're rushing it's ten minutes', I said 'how far is it if i'm irish?'

I asked a bloke in town how far it was to the train station, he said 'if you're rushing it's ten minutes', I said 'how far is it if i'm irish?'

I think my wife's trending on twitter.
'tache hag, my wife.

"Yes! Faster! Faster!"
"In the mouth! Quick!"
"Just watching makes me wanna suck something!"
Just another day at the apple bobbing championships.

I used to work in a shop that sold mirrors, but unfortunately the quality of the products began to decline.
Eventually I just couldn't see myself working there any more.

I was eating some salad the other day, and noticed some mould on the edge of my lettuce.
On further investigation, this proved to be just the tip of the iceberg.

With a margin of error around 3% give or take...
That's how I poll.....

"What do we want?"
"More music compilations."
"When do we want it?"
"Now, 156."

My friends say I need to be more decisive, I'm not so sure.

My mate asked me, "In 1 second, can you think of a 4 letter word that starts with K and ends with W?
"No." I replied.
"Wow, you're good!"

I turned down the chance to appear in the new Jeremy Kyle comic strip.
I didn't want to get drawn into an argument.

Credit card companies keep sending me letters encouraging me to become a tightrope walker. Apparently I have outstanding balance.

Everyone at work has promised to eat their sandwiches at 1pm on Monday.
It's a pact lunch.

I got sacked from my job at the ice cream factory yesterday for slagging the company off.
Turns out Walls have ears.

Just went into the apple store in Ireland and tried to buy an IPod.
But apparently they only sell apples.

I made a Freudian Slip once.
It was so popular, Anne Summers commisioned me to design a range.

Well it looks like I'll be up to my neck in paperwork again tonight.
Although it's not so bad sleeping rough when it's the summer.

I have a terrible fear of washing lines.
When I saw my wife had put one up in the garden, I just pegged it.

I've just been on one of those 1830's holidays,
It was ace, everyone was wearing cravats and riding penny farthings...