My dad just went out and bought me a musical instrument, he said "here's a harp son"
Just examined it for an hour before finding out it isn't a harp at all, it just looks like one.
I can't believe he told me it was a harp, what a lyre

I've just gagged my wife by jamming a cd into her mouth.
In the old days, I'd use tape.

My mates don't see why I make such a big deal out of a mere shape-shifting dog, but it's the principle of The Thing.

My Doctor just diagnosed me with 'airport-itus.'
It's a terminal illness...

I've started a band called 'The Scarts'
I'm the lead singer.

I bet Lord Voldemort
uses Twitter but not Facebook
because he only has followers,
not friends.

"Chile police seek 'fire starters"
Well if I was a cold officer I would want a fire going too.

I slept in today.
Because it was cold outside.

How do the Spanish fish?
They castanet.

I've just witnessed an argument between a shirt and a V-neck.
It was top banter.

There's one place I absolutely cannot stand.
My dog's kennel.

Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they can't find home

I dislike stories involving mythical creatures.
They really drag on.

I was arrested for driving under the influence tonight.
I wasn't drunk. It was my wife's nagging that made me turn straight in to a brick wall.

I love playing chess against Fred Goodwin, my Queen always takes his Knight.

The problem with nursing homes is that breast milk gets all over the walls.

We had a blackout while I was watching TV.
I was delighted.

I've been a captain in the army for ten years now and simply refuse to get promoted further.
They say I've got major issues.

BREAKING NEWS!
German historians have found a second unpublished book written by Adolf Hitler believed to be based on holidaying...
'Mein Kampfing Trip'

Every year Oxford and Cambridge get into a race row.

Going to the park to play football with my son.
It's boring using a ball all the time.

I had a bit of a shock when I found out my parents had put an electric fence around their house.

I accidentally put my earphones in with the L and the R sides the wrong way round.
Now all my music sounds Asian.

Life is tough in the advertising business.
It's a jingle out there.

I just heard that Canada has stopped producing pennies.
It just doesn't make any cents.